On the Road...

Obviously I've been away for a while, so guess I'll have to catch up in 'installments.' While I was sick, I'd been planning to take a trip, but then I cancelled it, and then I decided to go after all. So I left about 2 weeks ago and drove to see friends in New York, Vermont, and Massachusetts. It was a wonderful trip, but tonight is my last night and I'll be home tomorrow. Home, where nothing has really changed, except hopefully, to some extent, me. Home, on what would once have been my 13th wedding anniversary. Home, to holidays with friends but no one to hold me at 'home.' I wonder if it will ever feel like 'home' again, because it certainly doesn't... I've spent the past 2 weeks talking to friends, trying to remind myself of the strong woman I 'used' to be. I've listened to 'self help' CDs till I'm blue in the face, and tonight I spoke briefly with 'my ex' who agrees that we are dealing with an impossible situation which is largely his fault...yet he has no real suggestions for 'fixing' it. What I have learned is that I can't count on him anymore to 'fix' anything--not even the physical things around the house, actually. The future--my future--is in my hands. I must find a way to see it differently, to believe in it...

The truth of the matter, sad as it may be, is that 'he' was never really in the marriage with me at all. I think even 'he' can see that now. A psychic told me about 10 years ago that it would never be an 'easy' relationship and that I was living surrounded by dragonflies, which according to her, symbolized illusion. It has taken me 10 years to discover the reality of this. Why here, why now? Back then, I still had my LA dreams on the horizon in front of me, and I can't help but wonder what might have happened if I'd gone there on my own...still, I'm not sure I ever would have done that. My fears all have to do with confronting life 'alone,' and now I must do exactly that. There is no way around it; I've been given no choice--it's simply the next step and there's no way to take a side road at this point. Where I go, what I do, these are all additional steps to be discovered. Some days I have no interest in them whatsoever...I suppose today is one of those days. The next step is to go home, and home is not what I wish it was at the moment. Can I make it better? I can only do my best with this one step, and hope that it leads to a happier future.

Later, I will write more about my wonderful travels...so many lessons learned along the way...I pray I can wrap them around me like the hugs of friends they are, and hold them close...