Trapped...

Yesterday I was sitting on the screened-in back porch, eating lunch and thinking about nothing in particularly, and I looked up to see 3 DEER in my neighbor's yard! It's a big open yard, but this is, after all, TOWN, so at first I thought I must be losing my mind. (Not a far stretch...) Anyway, then I realized they were trapped, running around in circles, trying to find their way out. They couldn't seem to 'see' that the driveway was open with no gate, so they kept going back to the same corners of the yard, and finding themselves right back where they started. It was heartbreaking!

I called a neighbor on the other side and asked him to come and help me run them out of the yard. He did, and we managed finally to 'point' them in the right direction, and all three headed down the drive and across my front yard. One disappeared down the street somewhere, but the other two, unfortunately, went straight to my back yard. My friend and I ran around there, only to find the two of them trapped in a small wooden fenced-in area, trying to jump a fence that was much too high for them. He managed to open the gate and one ran out into the yard, and the other--poor thing had a bleeding mouth from banging it against the fence--headed down the drive. My friend chased Deer #3 across the yard and it jumped my pickett fence and was gone. I never could figure out where the three of them went--they just vanished at that point, but I hope they found their way OUT of town!

So, what an amazing metaphor for my life! Did the three of them show up to teach me a lesson? I'm sure they did--I do wonder why it took three instead of just one. Perhaps just to show me the craziness, maybe the 'pack' mentality. The first deer, upon escaping the yard, learned its lesson and ran back--hopefully--to safer ground. The second two just got themselves into a 'tighter' situation, and one them ended up really getting hurt. Hasn't that been the story of my life? Well, there's the 3--three marriages--running around and around and doing the same thing over and over again. Breaking free from the really bad one in the beginning, only to find myself going back to the same kind of man, putting myself in a world with no room for growth and no way out, beating my head against the wall trying to get free. Only hurting myself.

In the end, they all broke free. Isn't it time for me to do the same? To realize I'm a free spirit, and I don't belong in a place where I can't grow. If I can grow at the B&B, that's wonderful, and maybe I can, but I certainly wasn't growing in ANY of my previous relationships. It's time for me to claim my power and GROW. Now, where to begin?

On the Radio...

Tonight I'm going to be on an Australian online radio show talking about 'narcissistic relationships.' Should be interesting! I've never been on a radio show before!! I hope I don't say anything to embarrass myself! ;)

Today was a beautiful Spring day here, and I got lots accomplished...including having to deal with 'him' coming down to do some 'maintenance' chores. I handled it well, stayed detached, didn't talk about anything personal, but I have to admit, it is hard. I try to remind myself about all the things I've read, and to know that even then there are things I may never completely understand, but it is hard when all I can truly remember is the life and the person I loved. I keep wondering where all that went? All I know is that it seems to be completely gone now. And I am here, trying to rebuild my life...

Last night it was fun to have the 'ghost hunting' dinner at the house. I think everyone enjoyed it, though no ghosts 'appeared' to be in attendance. They did have some interesting 'sounds' on the tapes we made in February. I can't wait to listen to them with headphones and see what they might actually be saying...one really sounded like a baby crying... In truth, I don't believe there are really 'ghosts' here, but more than energy patterns from the past are somehow imprinted on the house. Goodness knows there were plenty of babies born here!

At any rate, I'll keep this short as I want to have some quiet time before the 'interview.'

Waiting...

I'm waiting for my last guest to check out so that I can get ready for my next set of guests. Tonight is my 'Dinner and a Haunt.' Last month I had a paranormal research team out to survey the house for 'ghosts;' tonight they return and will reveal their findings to students from a local continuing ed program. Should be interesting--I've heard they found 'something' but I don't know what yet. Can't wait to find out!

I'm hoping to work some of this into my script--the script I'm writing about my experiences here, which will include ghosts. They may not be manifesting like they will in the script, but the spirits are definitely 'here,' I think. I'm not sure if they're actually protecting me, or if the women of this house just don't like men! Men certainly don't seem to stay around, that's for sure.

Keeping busy has been good. I worked hard yesterday not to fall into a 'bad' place and I feel like I'm doing better today. I woke up this morning from an interesting dream, and the last thing I recalled was that I was moving to a new house on a big piece of land. My 'ex's' old house was on the property, and there was a swing that I planned to move to my new house. He, or someone, asked me why didn't I just leave it and that way I could sit in the back yard and watch the traffic go by on the freeway? I answered, 'why would I want to sit and watch traffic when I can sit and watch the ocean?' This has stayed with me. Why would I want to look at something so mundane as traffic when I could stare out at the vastness of the sea? Why would I want limits when I can have it all? Why would I want to go back to that dry desert place where he lived, when just around the bend is life with an ocean view? I felt so encouraged by this revelation that I don't even feel so lonely anymore.

So now it's just a matter of waiting. Patiently.

So Alone...

I know that in a spiritual sense I am never really alone, and I know how to be 'alone' when I am...most of the time. For the past couple of days though, I've felt so isolated from the 'real world'--from things to do, people to hang out with, new places to see. Or perhaps it's not that at all--perhaps it's just coming back to this big empty house. Perhaps it's that I still miss my friend, even though I know my friend isn't my friend anymore. How do I get that through my head? Especially when he still lives up the street and we still have to deal with the house together--but we can't do it as friends--we can only talk when we have 'business' to deal with. And while I know he's done some terrible things where I am concerned, I just don't operate from a place of anger. There are so many times when, truthfully, I just want to know what is going on in his life. Maybe it isn't any of my business anymore, but it was my business for nearly 15 years, and how does one just erase all that? He seems to have done it, but I'm not finding it so easy.

The 'narcissist' material says they only see the 'other' as an 'object.' So when they cast you aside, it's like trading in an old car--you wouldn't want to stay 'connected' to it, now would you? He is getting all his 'supply' from others now, and according to what I've read, he only sees someone would who still care about him as 'pathetic.' Sometimes I fall into a trap of seeing myself that way, and then I remember there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving and trusting someone, and when they don't turn out to be who you thought they were, it's bound to take some time to work through the grief. That's all I'm doing, working through the grief...

In the meantime, I am trying to stay focused on the work in front of me. I'm trying to move ahead with selling the B&B, but at the same time I'm putting up new packages to try and bring in different kinds of business. I put up a Divorce Recovery Retreat and I'll be interested to see if that pans out at all. Nothing else has turned up on the 'work' horizon, so I might as well try to drum up some extra income here. I'm just trying to be open to whatever the Universe might bring. But at the same time, I'm trying to move forward. I'm not supposed to say it is hard, but today it feels hard. Maybe what I need to say is that while it IS hard, I know I am up to the challenge, and I plan to keep putting every effort into the journey, no matter how hard it may feel at times. Yes, that's a better way to say it. Like it or not, it appears being alone is part of the path.

Nothing is Better

I had the weirdest thought while I was at the Y working out today. I suppose it ties in with the struggle I've been going through in dealing with the 'unreality' of my relationship; the idea that what I believed to be real all these years may never have been real at all. But what occurred to me was that if it wasn't real, and having something I believed to be pretty much everything I wanted isn't possible, then honestly I would rather have nothing. On some levels that might seem pretty sad and negative, but it didn't really strike me as so at the time.

For the past couple of days I have been so lonely and missing him so much that I finally broke down and popped in to 'band practice' last night. It's an open situation where people drop by all the time to hear the 'boys' jam, so the only weird thing about my doing it was that it was me, and everyone pretty much knows now what he's done to me. I could see in the reaction of one of the guys that he wondered if I was going to cause a freak-out scene. I think seeing that in his face actually calmed me down...not that I was worked up or anything. Part of the reason I went was to see if one of the guys who'd recently 'taken up for me' was there. I wanted to tell him thank you, because it's probably the first time I've heard of someone actually doing that--telling the 'ex' that the way he did what he did was just plain wrong. That's the real crux of it--the way he did it, and the lying. Anything would have been better, especially from someone you thought was your best friend.

Anyway, he didn't even see me till they finished one song, and by that time I was able to wave and smile and just 'be cool.' After the next song--one he used to sing for me at karaoke--they took a break and we chit-chatted for a bit, but not about anything important. Then I left because I had guests coming in. He walked me to the door, gave me a hug, and that was that. I was glad I went...

I was able to 'be there' and know that I still feel what I feel but it doesn't change anything. I'm still alone; he's still who he is; he's still with someone else. I still miss the things about him I miss, but no amount of missing is going to bring any of that back. I was proud of myself that I didn't cry or rage or do one thing to make him feel guilty--at least I don't think I did, and he didn't seem to mind that I'd shown up. There just aren't that many places to 'get out and be with people' around this little town. Especially people that are involved in music, and I miss that so much.

But at the end of it all, at the moment, I would rather be alone with myself than with anyone who's not him--in the 'man' department at least. I am okay with that. I am lonely sometimes, but I am okay. It's a strong place to be.

Once Upon a Time...

...there was a loving and compassion Queen who had been bewitched and enslaved inside a Fairy Tale. Everyone had always told the Queen there was nothing more wonderful that being the star of your own story, and of course that story would include a handsome Prince Charming who would take care of all life's mundane details, the ones the Queen wasn't smart enough to deal with on a daily basis.

Once the Queen met her Prince Charming she set about living her very own Fairy Tale life. She lived it for many years, sharing her abundant love with the Prince, who lavished her with sparkling jewels, love, and riches beyond belief. At first the Queen first somewhat stifled by her life with the Prince, as if her light was slowly being snuffed out by some malevolent force. But little by little she overcame her fears and melded her life to his, delighted beyond belief that they shared the same 'everything.' How could she have been so lucky to find someone so much like her, someone whose only desire in life was to make her every dream come true?! Life in the Fairy Tale was good indeed.

Then suddenly, Prince Charming started acting very strange. Instead of being filled with love and generosity toward the Queen, he began to snap and get angry for the silliest reasons. He began to leave the castle more and more and stay gone longer and longer. The Queen felt baffled by his behavior, but not particularly concerned because after all, he was her Prince Charming and this was a Fairy Tale. Everyone knows Fairy Tales only have one kind of ending. So she simply went about her life, trying to treat him with extra love and compassion in the hope that soon he would feel better about whatever was troubling him.

But one day, quite unexpectedly, Prince Charming went out hunting and never returned. The Queen tried asking all his friends, but no one knew where or why he had gone. All at once the Queen found herself sunk into a pit of despair so deep that she couldn't leave the castle. She was more alone than she'd ever been in her life, for truly, the only person who really knew or loved her had been Prince Charming. She tried to leave and make new friends, but everyone ran away from her, because she was the Queen, and she had head-chopping power. No one knew what a loving, compassion person she truly was, for she had never ventured far enough into the world to show them. She told herself that now she must try or else be forever trapped in an empty castle with no Prince Charming--in truth, with no one at all.

So the Queen opened the castle as a guest house. She took in people from far and wide; she cooked and waited on them; she showered each individual with the full measure of her love and compassion. All the while she prayed that someday the Prince would return and love her again. She knew now she was perfectly capable of handling the details of her daily routine--which meant running a large castle and seeing to its visitors--but she still wanted to share her life with the person who knew her better than anyone. She wanted to understand what she had done to drive him away from her.

The Queen didn't realize it wasn't anything she had done at all. She had been bewitched during her youth by an evil sorcerer who wanted all women to believe they needed men to take care of them, to make them feel 'whole.' As she began to give her gifts to others, day by day the spell lifted, until finally the Queen could feel her true glory.

But the Queen would not be truly released from falling back into her spell, until she knew and accepted the Truth about the Prince. It had been living there in her heart all along, but she had chosen to ignore it, wanting to believe in the Fairy Tale more than anything in the World. The Prince was little more than a mirror, and when the Queen looked at him, the only thing he had to reflect back were images of her Self. When the news finally came that he was living in another Kingdom, with another Queen, whom everyone said he loved beyond anything they had ever seen, the Queen knew the Truth at last. She was freed from the Fairy Tale and cast into Real Life.

She had always been told that Real Life wasn't a place you ever wanted to be. But once she got there, she discovered that truly, it is the only place you ever can be. The Queen didn't know what the future might have in store for her, but she knew that whatever came, it would be Real. And after spending most of her life in a Fairy Tale, Real seemed like it might be worth checking out. Maybe she would never find another Prince Charming, but at the end of the day, at least she would know she had found her Self.

PS--And while she didn't always live 'happily' in Real Life, she did Really Live.

Narcissistic Men

I was listening to a very interesting radio program today with a woman named Lisa Scott who just wrote a book called, It's All About Him. It was fascinating and illuminating. I've been told several times that my 'ex' was probably a narcissist, but I always find it difficult to believe because in some ways he doesn't fit what I would have thought was the 'profile.' Yet listening to this program, I found so many similarities it was frightening. The idea that he always needs attention and validation; that he could not stand any kind of criticism; that he would go outside the relationship to feed his addiction but always came back because he needs the secondary validation only a relationship can give; that in the end he began to seek ways to 'escape' from the relationship; that something always seemed 'off' but I could never figure out what exactly. Every single one of these things was absolutely true in my relationship.

And yet, I so don't want to believe it. I don't want to accept the fact that he could not and can not feel empathy. That he doesn't really know how to love. That the illusion was never ever real. The reality of all that hits SO very hard. And no matter what I thought on believed, I never would have suspected it was a personality disorder. Perhaps I thought he was just not a person with a strong character; that he was immature; etc etc. But this, this is beyond anything I ever would have suspected. How does one reconcile such a truth? How does one move on and learn to trust again?

Right now, I can see it, acknowledge it, accept it, but I feel very very alone. I feel like I'm in the middle of a play that most people can't really understand. I feel for him; I feel for the next woman he loves; for those of us he loved and left in the past--not just women but family members as well. I tend to be a person who digs deep for answers, but I am in the minority. Most people wouldn't believe this if I told them. So I carry the knowledge in my heart and hope it will make me a stronger person. For him, I hold little hope, and that too makes me so very sad.

In the meantime, I will go on as best I can. I have a busy weekend, although I know in many ways it will also be a lonely one. I feel a lot of loneliness these days, and yet I keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's the only thing one can do...grieve and go forward. Sad, but imperative.

Betrayed or Betrayer

Last night I was reading Sarah Ban Breathnach's book, Something More, and was taken by the idea that humans can hurt, fail, and disappoint me, but the only person who can ever truly betray me is me. This is an interesting thought, because I have certainly felt 'betrayed' over the past couple of years. And yet, when I look at how much of myself I gave up to hold this relationship intact, I have to admit the real betrayer is me. I somehow lost, left, refused to love myself best. I refused to believe in myself first and foremost; I looked to someone else to do that. Unfortunately, the person I was looking to didn't even know how to love himself. How on earth could he ever really love me? Yet in the end, when he couldn't, I even blamed myself for that. Talk about betrayal.

My divorce recovery coach asked me to list and describe three ways in which I've been accepted and appreciated in a relationship, as a friend, or as a creative person. I'm having to dig deep to find these--and what I recognize is that the reason for that is because I often betray myself in the choices I make...in relationships, friendships, and my creativity. I haven't allowed myself to be accepted and appreciated. My tendency is to ask 'why' rather than 'what can I do to change this in my life?'

But rather than betray myself in my needing to know 'why,' I think I'll just accept my curiosity in seeking answers and try to let go of the 'need' to have them. If they come, that's great, but if they don't, staying stuck trying to find them isn't going to do anything except cause suffering. (This is my new 'Buddist' awareness.) ;)

So all this is a round about way of saying I think I do know 'why.' I was never more loved, accepted and appreciated than as a small child, when my grandparents took care of me while my parents worked. For 3 years I had the unconditional love and admiration that only grandparents can give. Looking at old photos, I can see it in my smile, the joy in my face reflected in theirs. Then it all changed because my mother got pregnant and stopped working to take care of my and the new baby. My young mother, who didn't have the same kind of time for me as my devoted grandparents, who did the best she could but still left me feeling lonely and unloved as only an' abandoned' child can. So perhaps I learned that kind of acceptance and admiration just can't be trusted. Recently, with the loss of my marriage, I have learned that lesson again--and throughout my life, I re-learned it over and over until there just hasn't been any room to see it any other way. Failed relationships, abandoning friends, and frustrated creativity. I must have built a wall so formidable that no amount of acceptance and admiration would even dare to try to get in, and the memories of any that did are oh, so dim.

But the memories I feel most strongly now are more near than far. I feel accepted and appreciated by the guests who come to the B&B. I feel happy when people come into the house, when they praise my hospitality, my cooking, my creativity, my home. I feel lightened by the light they bring with them. I feel accepted and appreciated by the friends and family who have held my hand for the past 2 years; who have listened while I cried and raged; who've told me I deserved more and better and it would all be waiting for me on the other side. I feel happier when I'm talking to them, or laughing with them, or planning for the future with them.

As much as I don't want to remember though, the most acceptance and appreciation I ever felt--beyond my grandparents--was from my husband. If I was betraying or lying to myself about this, maybe it's because I wanted/needed to believe it so badly. I do know that if his love, acceptance, and appreciation had been 'real,' it wouldn't have just disappeared, almost overnight. For any part I played in destroying it, for that I will always feel the utmost regret. But perhaps what I saw was merely a projection of the way I felt about him. Perhaps I gave him all the acceptance and appreciation--the love--I should have been giving myself all this time. Perhaps now, somehow, I will find a way to turn those things inward; to become, as SBB writes, a woman who can say, 'Do I deserve to be happy?' 'Damn right I do!"

Me and My House

So it seems I'm going to be staying with the house for the time being. The minute I found out 'the truth,' all I wanted was to run as far and as fast from this place as I could. Amazingly, the perfect job appeared out of nowhere, but another irony, I still haven't heard a word back about it. I don't think they've hired anyone, but right now, no one seems to be hiring me either. Ultimately I had to make a choice: Take the upfront money (not even half the equity) he was offering and 'hope' for the rest later, or stay and see the sell through myself. As much as I love the house, the choice may have seemed like a no-brainer, but staying here hasn't been easy--and now, most days, it's even harder than before. I try not to let my mind go to the 'bad places' but invariably it finds its way back to them. I wonder when that will change; I wonder when he will be little more than a distant memory to me. I wonder if that time will ever come.

For now anyway, I am trying to take the needed steps to rebuild my life. I have been working by phone with a divorce recovery coach, which seems like it's helping somewhat. I've had to work hard to overcome my 'don't spend the money' voice, but I'm trying to give myself permission to do something positive that's just for me. She gives me exercises and is helping me learn to see through 'a different lens.' I think the main thing is just having someone objective 'in my corner.' Someone who checks in on the follow-through and helps me stay as positive as I can. (Which isn't always a lot, but I'm working on shifting this mentality.)

So, I will keep this one short as I'm waiting for her call now, and then I'm off to Columbia for my mediation class tonight. That's helping, too. A lot. Staying present isn't always easy or fun, but it's the only real place to be.

The Next Stage of the Journey

Less than 2 weeks after I made my last post, my world came apart--again. Just as I thought perhaps I was starting to put the pieces back into some sort of cohesive whole, the horrible truth came out at last. I understand so much more now, but the understanding is not pleasant. Still, it's real. Finally, I am realizing that no amount of crying or screaming is going to change it. I read something recently that puts it in simple terms--you can yell at a cat all day long, but it still isn't going to bark.

I won't go into all the sad and terrible details, but for some reason, just about the time I was supposed to go out of town for my niece's wedding and leave the B&B with 'him' again, I found myself hit once more with all the 'secrets' he seemed to be keeping. So I ask the question again: Is there someone else? It turned out that this time he said 'yes,' and it turns out it is someone who used to be 'our' friend, and it also turns out it had started before he ever left--which now explains a lot of the weird and angry behavior. WOW! As if that wasn't enough--and he did admit it all but only after I pieced everything together--ironically, that was pretty easy to do once I knew the 'who'--but after all that, when I asked it is was serious or marriage was on the horizon, he lied even about that. I later found out from a friend that he had already given her a very expensive engagement ring! That, and the part about the film, hurt me as much as all the lying.

The part about the film is this--he had worked with her on a short film about a local event that happened in town 3 years ago--he did the poster for it--just as he always did posters for my scripts, they had a screening (on a date I was out of town!!)--and he even got producer credit on IMDB!! I feel like he's taken every single one of my dreams and is now living them out with her. It has been a heart-wrenching 2 months. The lies, the betrayal--for 2 years he's been gone in a much more 'real' way than I ever knew. While I've sat here, for the most part, still loving him and wishing he would get through his 'crisis' and come back.

Why do men do this to us? How could a woman I knew do this to me? Doesn't either one of them realize the pain and destruction they have caused? Yet when I look back, I can see now that this is what he did to his previous wife. He told the story of 'how unhappy he was' with her, and we all bought it, and I bought into his love for me. But of course the minute he realized I wanted REAL love and intimacy, he immediately began to pull away. And maybe I did ignore that, and the instinct I had that he was 'messed up.' Maybe my lack of hubris caused me to believe you can love someone into wellness. Now I know you can't.

I wish I wasn't such a 'need to know' person, but I am. I probably know much, much more than I actually 'need to know.' I'm not sure anymore if knowing makes it better or worse. But what I know is this--something is missing in 'him.' Some vital element of character or morality or something that would keep a person from walking away, would keep them from being happy with what they have. He can say all day he was never happy, but I have the cards and the letters and the memories to prove that more often than not, he was. I have the happy times I had, and I wouldn't be feeling such a deep well of grief if I hadn't truly believed he was my life partner and best friend forever. I'm stunned to know he didn't feel the same way.

But now I have the hard work of truly letting go. I will write more about this in another entry, as this one is getting quite long. I will also write about my uncertain future and the house. I will tell you how I am trying to overcome the pain. Nothing really works completely, but it all works a little. Right now, maybe that's the best I can hope for.