I started a system for tracking my emotional ups and downs, but after a few months I realized there was something wrong with it... Remember back in grade school--some of us will remember this!--when you did something special and you got a shiny little gold star on your paper? Well, I started a 'gold star' system for tracking my highs and lows. Gold was a great day; green an ok day; blue a sad day; and red was an 'I really lost it' bad day! My goal, starting in May before my divorce was final, was to get 20 gold stars a month. (I've yet to make it.)
But the other day, I realized I wasn't really working for the gold stars; they were just happenstance, on days when I felt like maybe I would have a happy future again some day, or days when I just felt some peace in my life again. Those days came and went like the tide, and I always found myself back to mostly blue or green days. (At least not so many red days though!) It occurred to me I really wasn't doing anything to 'earn' my gold star.
Lately I've been reading a lot of Buddist philosophy, which talks about being non-reactive to situations as well as the idea of not attaching yourself to outcomes. In other words, it's okay to 'want' something, just don't plan on it. When you do and it doesn't happen, you suffer, and according to the Buddists, figuring out how not to suffer is what it's all about.
It's taken a while, but some of those teachings are finally starting to sink in, I think. Now, this does not just 'happen' nor is it an easy path to follow. I can think of numerous times during this past week alone when I've wanted to 'react.' For instance, the fact that this weekend is my ex's birthday and he doesn't want to share even one iota of it with me, makes me really, really want to react. I feel hurt, sad, rejected. He preaches to me that what I feel is a choice I make, but I disagree. I'm not choosing to feel those feelings. They just are--because I am human and humans 'feel.' What is a choice, I'm figuring out, is how I react to them. I can pick up the phone and call him and cry, or rant and rave, or spout off my new philosophies, etc etc etc. All of which accomplishes absolutely nothing--except more suffering. The story I wrap around the feelings--poor rejected me--causes even more suffering. I also recognize I rather like to suffer, which is weird, and embarrassing, and frustrating, but all in all true. And yet if I truly want to move toward a future filled with all the things I say I want, I'm going to have to stop enjoying my 'sad story' so much.
So now, on the days I can stay with the feeling, hold the 'story' at bay, not react by calling or writing, well, those are the days I get the 'gold star.' They are not good days; mostly they are days where every moment is a struggle to stay present and 'love what is.' But they are the days where I 'earn' it. They are the days on which I want to model who I am--a strong, self-loving, compassionate person. That is the person I want to be, and that is the partner I want in my life. I look at my gold stars now, little by little beginning to shine across the days of each month, and I feel good about the love I'm bringing toward me.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Mirrors and Movement
I've gotten behind in my writing, mainly because life has been busy, but also I was ill for a few days. Not sure if I had a bug or just ate something, or simply needed to 'rest' for a while...sometimes it can be any or all of the above, and you just have to stop. I had a lot of time to reflect and read and for some reason, I find myself feeling better not just physically, but emotionally as well...
I feel like something is finally 'clicking' into place and I'm not feeling the need to 'react' to every single thing 'he' does that upsets me. I'm not feeling the need to pick up the phone to call every time something goes wrong. I'm figuring out how to handle more and more on my own, and I'm finding a sense of empowerment in that discovery. Funny, I'd forgotten that not only I know how to take care of myself, but also I can be alone. I rarely even feel 'lonely' these days...I'm mostly too busy. But I won't say I never do, because there are times when it just hits. But not so hard, or so bad.
I've been reading many of the books by Pema Chodron (can't do the emphasis marks here...) which I find very soothing. She writes a lot about learning to live without 'attachment,' and I can see that this situation is certainly asking me to learn that lesson. It is a hard one to learn when you feel you are losing something you want very badly. But I'm trying, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute...
But the other interesting thing I read--and I can't remember exactly where I read it or heard it or what--is the idea of the other person as your mirror. This isn't something new to me--I've read and heard it many times before, but something sunk in deeply in the last week or so. Sometimes you have to stop looking in the mirror. Yes, the mirror that he holds for me at the moment represents things I've done in my own life that I'm not very proud of. But those things are in the past. Granted, I finally understand the pain our choices can sometimes cause others, and the lesson I have learned is that I will do everything in my power to avoid causing pain again. But that's the lesson, and now it's really okay for me to stop looking in that mirror. If he truly needs to go and be and do all that he says, then I have to allow that to be, and stop looking back at the hurt that decision has brought to me. I can turn away from the mirror and look for another mirror that hopefully now can reflect back the true love and compassion I feel for others. I am ready to see myself reflected in THAT light.
I even have a strong affirmation for myself: Love moves toward me in every circumstance. I can already see evidence of this. I woke up this morning with my head lying against my cat who never sleeps close to me! Then when he woke up, instead of jumping off the bed, which he usually does, he just moved to another cuddly spot! This is my fondest wish--to have love continually moving toward me, not away. I believe this is a step toward the future I haven't been able to move toward up to now. I hope so.
I feel like something is finally 'clicking' into place and I'm not feeling the need to 'react' to every single thing 'he' does that upsets me. I'm not feeling the need to pick up the phone to call every time something goes wrong. I'm figuring out how to handle more and more on my own, and I'm finding a sense of empowerment in that discovery. Funny, I'd forgotten that not only I know how to take care of myself, but also I can be alone. I rarely even feel 'lonely' these days...I'm mostly too busy. But I won't say I never do, because there are times when it just hits. But not so hard, or so bad.
I've been reading many of the books by Pema Chodron (can't do the emphasis marks here...) which I find very soothing. She writes a lot about learning to live without 'attachment,' and I can see that this situation is certainly asking me to learn that lesson. It is a hard one to learn when you feel you are losing something you want very badly. But I'm trying, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute...
But the other interesting thing I read--and I can't remember exactly where I read it or heard it or what--is the idea of the other person as your mirror. This isn't something new to me--I've read and heard it many times before, but something sunk in deeply in the last week or so. Sometimes you have to stop looking in the mirror. Yes, the mirror that he holds for me at the moment represents things I've done in my own life that I'm not very proud of. But those things are in the past. Granted, I finally understand the pain our choices can sometimes cause others, and the lesson I have learned is that I will do everything in my power to avoid causing pain again. But that's the lesson, and now it's really okay for me to stop looking in that mirror. If he truly needs to go and be and do all that he says, then I have to allow that to be, and stop looking back at the hurt that decision has brought to me. I can turn away from the mirror and look for another mirror that hopefully now can reflect back the true love and compassion I feel for others. I am ready to see myself reflected in THAT light.
I even have a strong affirmation for myself: Love moves toward me in every circumstance. I can already see evidence of this. I woke up this morning with my head lying against my cat who never sleeps close to me! Then when he woke up, instead of jumping off the bed, which he usually does, he just moved to another cuddly spot! This is my fondest wish--to have love continually moving toward me, not away. I believe this is a step toward the future I haven't been able to move toward up to now. I hope so.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Curses
Ok, I'm not saying I believe in them, but I had an interesting conversation with one of my guests this morning... This is something that's come up before, because this house has a very STRONG feminine energy. Almost everyone who's been here and senses these things agrees. What's odd about that is the house through its history has been primarily occupied by women. Mary Jameson was widowed in 1901 and lived here (with her widowed sister!) for another 26 years. Charlotte Jameson was widowed and lived her alone for 25 years. The next owners divorced and the wife inherited the house. The next owners had a son who wound up in the State Hospital. My own husband left and I've been here alone nearly 2 years, and my husband has said more than once he felt the house 'drove' him away. Okay, admit it...this is all a bit weird. My guest suggested there might be a curse on the house. So I started asking myself, who would have cursed the house?
The answer came relatively easily. It must have been Sallie Tom Jameson. Since I haven't done what I intended and written much about the Jameson women, maybe now is the time to explain why it might have been Sallie who cursed the house... The truth is, I don't think she cursed the house so much as the women in the family. Here's why...
Sallie Tom Jameson was the sister of the man who lived in my house, John Jameson (Jr.). She and her sister Elizabeth (Bettie) were schoolteachers in Kentucky and both engaged to gentlemen from that state. They were to be married here in Fulton (at their mother's home north of town) on the same day. Two weeks before the wedding, Sallie Tom took ill and died. Her betrothed didn't even make it to Fulton in time for her funeral, and supposedly wept for an extended time on her grave. But her sister Bettie went ahead with her own marriage. Fine and dandy... Bettie had a son that was named after Sallie's fiance, Richard Reid Rogers. But 10 years later, Bettie's husband died...so what did Bettie do? Well, she waited an appropriate amount of time (4 years) and then she married Sallie's betrothed!! Right in this very house!! So, Bettie lost her first husband, and it was downhill from there. Sallie's fiance and Bettie's second husband, Richard Reid, was horsewhipped and committed suicide in 1884; Sallie's brother John (Mary's husband) died in this house suddenly in 1901; Sallie's nephew Harris died in 1893; Sallie's nephew John died in the early 1900s; Charlotte's husband Boulware Jameson died here in 1956; the next owners divorced and the wife got the house; Sallie Tom's niece and namesake died in this house, unmarried, at 23; Doll Jameson never married; Bessie Jameson (Bettie's namesake) died in a tragic fire at 4 years; and last but not least has been my own abandonment.
Was Sallie a woman scorned who wished no one happiness if her own couldn't be granted? It certainly didn't seem so from reading her obituary, which said she was glad to go to God, but only wished she had had more time in this life. Did she change her mind before she crossed over? Did she curse the Jameson family and occupants of the home where Bettie married Sallie's lover?
The certainly doesn't 'feel' cursed, but if it is, I wonder how one goes about removing one? ;) I have no idea. Might be something worth exploring. All I'm saying is that I don't want to live in a house that rejects men. Now or ever. I haven't become that cynical about love....yet.
The answer came relatively easily. It must have been Sallie Tom Jameson. Since I haven't done what I intended and written much about the Jameson women, maybe now is the time to explain why it might have been Sallie who cursed the house... The truth is, I don't think she cursed the house so much as the women in the family. Here's why...
Sallie Tom Jameson was the sister of the man who lived in my house, John Jameson (Jr.). She and her sister Elizabeth (Bettie) were schoolteachers in Kentucky and both engaged to gentlemen from that state. They were to be married here in Fulton (at their mother's home north of town) on the same day. Two weeks before the wedding, Sallie Tom took ill and died. Her betrothed didn't even make it to Fulton in time for her funeral, and supposedly wept for an extended time on her grave. But her sister Bettie went ahead with her own marriage. Fine and dandy... Bettie had a son that was named after Sallie's fiance, Richard Reid Rogers. But 10 years later, Bettie's husband died...so what did Bettie do? Well, she waited an appropriate amount of time (4 years) and then she married Sallie's betrothed!! Right in this very house!! So, Bettie lost her first husband, and it was downhill from there. Sallie's fiance and Bettie's second husband, Richard Reid, was horsewhipped and committed suicide in 1884; Sallie's brother John (Mary's husband) died in this house suddenly in 1901; Sallie's nephew Harris died in 1893; Sallie's nephew John died in the early 1900s; Charlotte's husband Boulware Jameson died here in 1956; the next owners divorced and the wife got the house; Sallie Tom's niece and namesake died in this house, unmarried, at 23; Doll Jameson never married; Bessie Jameson (Bettie's namesake) died in a tragic fire at 4 years; and last but not least has been my own abandonment.
Was Sallie a woman scorned who wished no one happiness if her own couldn't be granted? It certainly didn't seem so from reading her obituary, which said she was glad to go to God, but only wished she had had more time in this life. Did she change her mind before she crossed over? Did she curse the Jameson family and occupants of the home where Bettie married Sallie's lover?
The certainly doesn't 'feel' cursed, but if it is, I wonder how one goes about removing one? ;) I have no idea. Might be something worth exploring. All I'm saying is that I don't want to live in a house that rejects men. Now or ever. I haven't become that cynical about love....yet.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
When Things Fall Apart
I've been reading a book that is really touching my soul, WHEN THINGS FALL APART, by Buddist nun Pema Chodron. I've explored Buddism to some extent, through mediation and with a local Sangha. I don't know if it is the path for me, but I do find a soul connection with this woman, especially when watching her YouTube interviews. She was left by her second husband in her thirties, and the betrayal had a profound affect on her life, so much so that she was led soon after to become a Buddist nun. She talks about the idea of 'groundlessness,' and how she ultimately learned that if we lean into this condition, we find peace. I'm not explaining it as well as she does in her book, but I understand it completely.
When something terrible and unexpected happens, you realize that nothing can ever be permanent or 'safe' again, and it leaves you with a feeling of complete 'dis-ease.' My father had a heart attack a few years ago, and I think it left him with the same kind of feeling--you simply can not know if one day your heart will simply stop. Or perhaps the reality is, the only thing you CAN know is that one day your heart will stop. You just can't know which day it will be...the uncertainty, the groundlessness of that is terrifying. Yet we have no real choice but to go on, to continue walking the path of uncertainty, which in the end, will lead us to nothing less than death.
I have been feeling more 'calm' in my life, and yet, I also feel a great sadness. This world holds no real 'safety' or 'security.' That can only be found on a deeper level, by looking within and knowing there is a greater flow that holds us in its arms. The world will always hold great joy as well as great sorrow. I've written of this before, but one carves the way for the other. This makes me sad. I want to believe joy can last forever. Perhaps it can. But not in this world.
When something terrible and unexpected happens, you realize that nothing can ever be permanent or 'safe' again, and it leaves you with a feeling of complete 'dis-ease.' My father had a heart attack a few years ago, and I think it left him with the same kind of feeling--you simply can not know if one day your heart will simply stop. Or perhaps the reality is, the only thing you CAN know is that one day your heart will stop. You just can't know which day it will be...the uncertainty, the groundlessness of that is terrifying. Yet we have no real choice but to go on, to continue walking the path of uncertainty, which in the end, will lead us to nothing less than death.
I have been feeling more 'calm' in my life, and yet, I also feel a great sadness. This world holds no real 'safety' or 'security.' That can only be found on a deeper level, by looking within and knowing there is a greater flow that holds us in its arms. The world will always hold great joy as well as great sorrow. I've written of this before, but one carves the way for the other. This makes me sad. I want to believe joy can last forever. Perhaps it can. But not in this world.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Retreat
Funny, I think my last post was called 'Returning' which might seem more appropriate for this one, since I've just gotten home from a high school reunion and 9 days in Texas! But I'll get to the reasons for the 'Retreat' in a minute... The time away was wonderful--I didn't miss a thing here--well actually, not true--I always miss my cats terribly when I travel. But I needed the break, and it was wonderful to see family and so many old friends. The reunion was a smashing success, and I'm so glad I was able to be a part of it. Even though I don't live in Texas anymore, the Internet allowed me to make a real contribution. And since I was one of the main people who helped kick it off, I felt very connected to the outcome. It was wonderful, and even though I dislike Texas and would never want to live there again, I cried when I left. I will miss those I love. There, I felt surrounded by love--here, I only feel its lack.
And so, I am home. At least I have a full house this weekend, and business seems to be picking up for Fall, thank goodness. But it was not easy to come back to the dealings with 'him.' It's simply this--the impossibility of getting 'over' the pain when it continues to present itself on a regular basis. I realized it's not that I don't want to run the B&B--it's that I don't want to run it with him. I honestly believe it is time for him to do what he says he wants to do and GO. Of course, this is not my choice to make, and I'm sure it would hurt tremendously to have him gone--but I'm starting to believe it hurts MORE to have him here...
So I am putting myself in 'retreat' mode. I suppose I've been there in some respects all along, but mostly I have retreated from others. Now, I find that I must retreat from HIM. There is nothing left to say--I have said it all, and it changes nothing. He feels nothing, and while I find this hard to believe, when I still feel such heartache, it simply is what it is, and I must not try to fight it any longer. I must be like the silly knights in Monty Python when pursued by the killer rabbit and 'Run Away!' My house is my safe haven, and it will give all the shelter I need. My two boys are the knights in armor--though I won't count on them for much protection beyond a mighty 'meow' or two! I must hold on to the belief that my love was true, that this is not some punishment sent by Heaven for mistakes I've made along the way, but rather an unexpected twist on the path that will lead me to pleasant surprises. Some days--most days--it's still very hard to believe this, but I am trying. I remain open to whatever comes my way...
And so, I am home. At least I have a full house this weekend, and business seems to be picking up for Fall, thank goodness. But it was not easy to come back to the dealings with 'him.' It's simply this--the impossibility of getting 'over' the pain when it continues to present itself on a regular basis. I realized it's not that I don't want to run the B&B--it's that I don't want to run it with him. I honestly believe it is time for him to do what he says he wants to do and GO. Of course, this is not my choice to make, and I'm sure it would hurt tremendously to have him gone--but I'm starting to believe it hurts MORE to have him here...
So I am putting myself in 'retreat' mode. I suppose I've been there in some respects all along, but mostly I have retreated from others. Now, I find that I must retreat from HIM. There is nothing left to say--I have said it all, and it changes nothing. He feels nothing, and while I find this hard to believe, when I still feel such heartache, it simply is what it is, and I must not try to fight it any longer. I must be like the silly knights in Monty Python when pursued by the killer rabbit and 'Run Away!' My house is my safe haven, and it will give all the shelter I need. My two boys are the knights in armor--though I won't count on them for much protection beyond a mighty 'meow' or two! I must hold on to the belief that my love was true, that this is not some punishment sent by Heaven for mistakes I've made along the way, but rather an unexpected twist on the path that will lead me to pleasant surprises. Some days--most days--it's still very hard to believe this, but I am trying. I remain open to whatever comes my way...
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