Back to the Land...

...of the living! Since I last wrote, I've been pretty much flat on my back, and not in a good way. I'd already been sick for a week by then, and it's only been in the last few days I've been back on my feet, and I'm still pretty tired all in all. Whatever I had, it wasn't fun!

I'm not sure if that's the reason or not, but I've definitely been at a 'different' place since I've started getting better. I feel like I really hit rock bottom in all ways while I was sick; now, it's as if I'm more or less emotionally 'drained.' Just seems like there's nothing else to 'feel.' Weird. It's not so much that I'm 'not' depressed; I'm just sort of 'blank.' I think life is more 'in the moment' than it's ever been for me before...strange. Maybe it's just that after you're 'down' for so long, all you want to do once you're up is accomplish as much as you can. No more time to 'waste.'

At any rate, that's where I am at the moment, and it's a place I'd like to stay. And re 'him...' although it was hard having him around all the time, I'm thankful for his help, but now I don't feel much of anything beyond a little sad for him. More even for him than for me... I just hope I can stay in this place for the time being...it feels 'safe' here. A rather nice place to be...

Influenza Thinking

I have been brought down by this terrible influenza going around right now, but I suspect it's more than just a virus. Louise Hay says that influenza comes from 'mass negative thinking and beliefs.' I'm sure I've been hit by a ton of those bricks as well. Why is it that when you're sick, all the problems of your life seem to plague you at once? When you're at your lowest point, life decides 'why not kick her around a bit more and see if she has the stamina to get up?'

I sit in this house and think about the people who were once brought down by such illnesses and didn't have the strength--or medical advantages--to help them get back up. Not that I used medicine to overcome my 'bug,' but a least I know things now they may not have known when. I know to take Vitamin C and how to take it; I know to drink tons of water; I know to rest; I know not to wear corsets. ;) Okay, I threw that one in to see if you were paying attention! Ladies in the 19th Century caught 'bugs' like this and THEY DIED!

I don't think I'm going to die, but I can honestly say there have been moments when I felt like it might be for the best. My mind goes round and round like a nightmarish carousel ride and no matter how I try, I can't seem to get off. I want to believe I'll get better; I want to believe life will get better...but those grotesque animals on my ride are determined to keep me saddled in my negative emotions. I don't know how to change them, and the harder I try and fail, the worse I feel.

Sometimes I wonder, why can't I just be sick? Why can't I just lie here and think about nothing, let my mind wander over green meadows with waving wildflowers or sit on the beach and listen to the tide crash against a silvery white shoreline. Wouldn't it be fine just to feel peace for an entire day? Just peace...not happiness, not love, not contentment or joy or anything else...just peace. Wow! Wouldn't that be nice?

I wonder if sickness pulls other people down into this same rut. Is that why people die while they're in it? People keep telling me I need to write about all this, and here, I believe I am. But can words alone help me find my way out? I wonder...

The End of the Road

There are so many things you learn at the end of the road, but the most astonishing revelation is simply that there's no place left to run. You find yourself here, there, wherever it may have led you personally, and then it just stops. Brick wall. Point blank. Nada. Nowhere left to go. So then what do you do?

I am at that place, and I honestly have no idea how to answer the question. I am ill today, and I have to depend on the one person I don't want to depend on, the person I know I WON'T be able to depend on forever. Then what? Who will help me 'tend the guests' when I'm sick? Who will help me take care of this wonderful monstrous old house? Who can I call in the middle of the night when something unforeseen happens? Where does this road lead for one aging, uncertain, lost woman?

I pray, and yes, I do believe in a Universe where Love pervades and watches over me always. But I don't see a phone number listed by the name 'Love' in the book. So 'who ya gonna call?'

I want to believe the end of the road doesn't really end...that you simply have to turn in a different direction and go forward again. I'm just not sure you can do that until you've looked deep inside yourself and figured out how you got where you are to begin with. Because until you can do that, all roads are going to lead to the end. I know that I personally am looking, but I don't know that I've received any guidance yet about which way to turn. I hope, I wait, I pray, I cry, I scream, I beg, I yearn...Unfortunately, that's pretty much all you can do at the end of the road.

Seeing What Is...

I just realized it's been almost 2 weeks since my last blog entry--sounds sort of like something you'd say to your priest about confession, doesn't it?! I suppose I do use this blog as sort of a 'confessional,' but I've also learned it's better not to confess everything to the virtual world. Will get you in trouble every time! So back to the subject at hand--why haven't I been blogging lately?

I suppose it's partly due to the fact that I've been very busy at the B&B, but more likely because I've been at a better place, more at peace, almost feeling a sense of 'happiness' again. I think it could have been the result of Indian Summer, because now that it's cold and dreary I can't seem to get my groove back. But the weather isn't the only reason, unfortunately...

Whoever said 'pride goeth before a fall' was right on target; I was feeling more than a little proud of myself in my responses toward 'you know who.' I'd finally started responding rather than reacting to every little thing, and it seemed like we were working better together, which has been more than usual due to stuff needing to be done here. It felt like maybe we were getting more on a 'friend' basis, even, then wham! bam! thank you m'am! he pushed a button, I got hooked, and I gave him both a mouthful and an earful! Granted, the button he pushed was still a sensitive one, and he knew it, even prefaced his comment with 'I know this is going to hurt your feelings.' So I ask myself, why did he feel the need to go there, and the only answer I can come up with is that he can't stand it when things are going better, so he'll (subconsciously) do anything he can to sabotage the relationship. He's been doing that from the very beginning, over and over and over again. While I just sit back, take it, then start over forgiving him...

Ok, the question finally has to become WHY DO I DO IT? What is it in me that just can't seem to stop hoping he'll stop doing it? What is it that can't let go, quit loving him, move on, etc, etc, etc? I think I know all the issues in my past that brought me to this behavior, but I still don't know how to stop it. I have to believe that each of these little 'incidents' is another lesson I must learn in order to truly 'see what is.' This person is not, has never been, emotionally healthy. I have tried to glue the relationship together for years, and the glue has finally given way to the broken pieces. I have to pick myself up out of them and use that glue to put myself back together. I have to stop turning backward and move FORWARD. And yet I don't even know what that means. What seemed to be working, and what I must try to find again, was the daily routine, the moment by moment, the quiet peace of an instant... Unfortunately, I'm now nursing a cold along with my soul, so these few days of starting again feel tiring...but I must...the only light lies before me, not behind.