Today, however, my cat Boo reminded me of what I've been doing and in some ways continue to do. Of what I don't want to do anymore. Whenever I have guests in the house, as I do today, I close the kitchen door so the cats can't go up front. (The cats tend to get rambunctious and I don't want them to wake people up.) But every morning, Boo sits on the table next to it and stares at the closed door. The door to the screened porch is open, and he could go outside and stare at the birds or the rabbits or just the world passing by, but he choses to sit and stare at the closed door, hoping I will open it and he'll be able to see what's on the other side. Is it something different, or just the same old thing? Ironically, although it may be different people, it's pretty much always just the same old thing.
I've been doing a guided imagery of my 'child-self' and I always see the image of that little girl, sitting and staring at the closed door. Sometimes she's crying, but she's always waiting, hoping someone will open it, hoping there will be something different on the other side. The truth is, even if someone does happen to open it, there's nothing different over there. All she's going to find is the same pain and heartache she found before. In my vision, I always lead her away from that door, to a better door, to a lovely little cottage by the sea, with a fire in the grate, cats on the sofa, and her love waiting for her to come home. That's where I want to take her, if ever she'll stop staring at the closed door and open this one that's filled with everything she wants from life.
Things have happened lately that have locked, bolted, and chained that door to the past. Some of them are things of my own making. They have been necessary; they have been hard. I am not a person who likes goodbyes, especially when they are unpleasant. Especially when chords are cut that may never be reunited. Especially when they involve people I love. But it's time to say goodbye, so I say it here. Evangeline has been fun; Electra has been necessary; but the person I have to meet now is me. She lies somewhere in the land of 'hope' and to find her, I have to open that door, and walk through. So today, that's where I'm headed...perhaps some day you'll find me there.
