Surviving...

I made it through the holiday weekend, pretty much on my own except for some guests and calls from family and friends. It was okay...the down time was good and feels like what I need right now. Sometimes it gets to be more than I need though and there's really no answer for that. Everyone wants me to get excited about the future and make 2010 a new best year ever, etc, etc, etc. I wish I had a switch I could just flip and start feeling that way. I'm trying to find 'strong moments' again, as Marcus Buckingham writes about in his new book. Thanks to it, I know where to look for them, and sometimes I do find them, but right now, the down moments feel almost as prevalent as the strong ones. I don't know how to simply 'make them go away.' I think it's a process, and I think everyone has to move through it in their own way...

What I am trying to do is focus on it less, talk about it less, get myself out with friends or just 'out' so that I can start seeing a different future. It's not that I'm opposed to having one, it's just that I have no earthly idea what that might look like. I don't think I'll be here, but I'm here right now and I have to accept that. Things are the way they are right now, and no amount of wishing or looking for a new future is going to change what is right now. It's a weird duality that I'm starting to understand one has to accept in order to have any kind of peace in life at all. Except for me, at the moment, it's not really making me feel good to know that pain will always live with pleasure. Hopefully I can get used to that idea...

In the meantime, one just has to live the best one can. That's what I'm striving for, anyway. Got out of the house today and came down to a local restaurant/cafe to work and do some writing. Haven't gotten to the actual writing yet, but decided to have a glass of wine before I leave, so maybe that will cheer my spirits and set the tone...

Christmas Day

It's snowy and in the 20s with a -1 wind chill...not a day for flitting about. I'm staying warm with cups of tea and my kitties, talks with friends and family, and perhaps watching a movie later. I'm doing what I want to do, be it a load of laundry or a hot bath. I'm alone, but not lonely. I had a note this morning from one friend then a call from another, both doing exactly the same thing--I find comfort in that. I also read this quote on Oprah, which I think is a nice summation of what Christmas is about, perhaps only in a secular way, but still a way to which many will relate.

“What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.”
— Agnes M. Pharo

I hope peace finds each of you on this day and always.

Christmas Eve

Ah, yes, I've been here before...Christmas Eve, alone, no lover to share the special moment...I could be out with friends, but I don't want to be. Suddenly, a bit ago, it occurred to me, I want to be here, alone with my cats, quiet, at peace; not anywhere else, pretending to be happier than I am. I've been here, but this time I'm accepting it. Tomorrow may be the same...I haven't decided... I only know I'm trying to get my life into some kind of order, to deal with all I've been putting off dealing with, to accept, to know the future, not as I wished it would be, but as it is... He said to me earlier that right now, he just wants to be 'alone' and yet, I know that's not what he really wants. He's never been comfortable with 'alone' time...he spends his energy on projects and then retreats from deeper intimacy. I, on the other hand, am comfortable just 'being alone.' Yes, sometimes it's lonely, but it's a place I know and can live in, if I have to, as it now appears I do...

Yet even tonight, there will be guests in the house, and my cats are here, and music fills the air, the rain falls like a timid friend, and I am at peace with the 'aloneness.' I don't need to be anywhere else but here, right now, in this moment, holding it like the companion it is, cherishing, even attempting to love it in all its imperfection. There is much to do, and life is short, so I won't waste this holiday bemoaning its lack of intimacy in my own life. I will pray, and meditate, and send loving kindness into the world, where it's needed. I will slip into peace as best I can, and the day will be full. Grief and I will find our way into hope.

Back to the Blahs

Wonder what it is that makes moods swing to and fro? I suppose from my Buddist readings I'm learning that it's all about our thoughts and our attachments. Letting go of thoughts and attachments is pretty much impossible, especially the thoughts part of that equation. At least there's some chance of learning to lesson one's attachments to things and people, but thoughts, well, we're pretty much stuck with those. What I find fascinating is how easy it is to believe everything we think is real. Even when you know it's not, or that it's an accurate perception, it's still virtually impossible sometimes to let go of believing the 'thought' is true...

So sometimes when an upsetting thought comes to me, even thought I work on letting it pass, the mood or emotional reaction to that thought is still triggered. The Buddists say to simply watch that feeling and be with it, and some psychology says that as well. The New Consciousness movement often advises that one turn one's attention to something else in order to raise your energy vibration. Figuring out which way to go sometimes even triggers a 'mood' too! Lately my mood has been 'I don't give a shit anymore.' This may seem like a negative reaction, but I don't know that it is necessarily. Mostly it just feels like I try and try and struggle and struggle and really, life is going to do what it's going to do and I have absolutely no control over it, so why bother worrying about any of it? Of course, I still worry and feel troubled...and so it goes.

All this writing about moods and philosophy and thinking makes me remember a DVD I watched and really enjoyed called 'Letting Go of God: Breaking Up is Hard to Do.' It's not for the seriously religious-minded or the serious-anything-minded. It's a roll on the floor laughing look at how people get caught up in their beliefs! Watch it and see where you get caught up...

Ok, I think that's enough philosophizing for one day...

An Almost Normal Day...

Not sure what or why...I woke up feeling the same as always lately--sad--and then somehow the day just begin to get better...not great, just okay. I had counseling, and I'm sure that helped, but somehow or another I started to remember who I used to be before all this happen...the things I did...the strong person I was becoming, even if I wasn't there yet. I started to remember and wonder if maybe I could find that person again, and maybe she could help heal the wounded child inside who feels so abandoned right now. Maybe...

I think a lot of things are helping me, and maybe it's just accepting that every day isn't going to be a good day, and that's just the way life is. It won't always be up and it won't always be down...hopefully most days will just be 'normal.' I like the counselor I'm seeing now--a man who had previously met with us as a couple but agreed to see me now that we 'aren't.' Sometimes it's hard talking to a man, but it's also nice to have more of that balance in my life. I used to have so many 'guy' friends and right now I really don't feel I have any...so this is a good thing. I also feel I'm making a few, so another good thing. Not easy, in a small town where 'coupledom' is the predominant way of life.

I also started a temporary job this week, just one day a week and that's about all I can handle at the moment. I was worried because of the location--near 'him'--and I did see him outside during the day, but I did okay with it. Maybe that's what I need, to see him going on with his life. It was good to be out and involved in the world, and making a little extra money, which I really need at the moment.

So I'm putting one foot in front of the other, even if it's hard, and most days it's very hard. Especially now, with the holidays. But I'm holding my own, treading water, not drowning... Not today.