Gold Stars

I started a system for tracking my emotional ups and downs, but after a few months I realized there was something wrong with it... Remember back in grade school--some of us will remember this!--when you did something special and you got a shiny little gold star on your paper? Well, I started a 'gold star' system for tracking my highs and lows. Gold was a great day; green an ok day; blue a sad day; and red was an 'I really lost it' bad day! My goal, starting in May before my divorce was final, was to get 20 gold stars a month. (I've yet to make it.)

But the other day, I realized I wasn't really working for the gold stars; they were just happenstance, on days when I felt like maybe I would have a happy future again some day, or days when I just felt some peace in my life again. Those days came and went like the tide, and I always found myself back to mostly blue or green days. (At least not so many red days though!) It occurred to me I really wasn't doing anything to 'earn' my gold star.

Lately I've been reading a lot of Buddist philosophy, which talks about being non-reactive to situations as well as the idea of not attaching yourself to outcomes. In other words, it's okay to 'want' something, just don't plan on it. When you do and it doesn't happen, you suffer, and according to the Buddists, figuring out how not to suffer is what it's all about.

It's taken a while, but some of those teachings are finally starting to sink in, I think. Now, this does not just 'happen' nor is it an easy path to follow. I can think of numerous times during this past week alone when I've wanted to 'react.' For instance, the fact that this weekend is my ex's birthday and he doesn't want to share even one iota of it with me, makes me really, really want to react. I feel hurt, sad, rejected. He preaches to me that what I feel is a choice I make, but I disagree. I'm not choosing to feel those feelings. They just are--because I am human and humans 'feel.' What is a choice, I'm figuring out, is how I react to them. I can pick up the phone and call him and cry, or rant and rave, or spout off my new philosophies, etc etc etc. All of which accomplishes absolutely nothing--except more suffering. The story I wrap around the feelings--poor rejected me--causes even more suffering. I also recognize I rather like to suffer, which is weird, and embarrassing, and frustrating, but all in all true. And yet if I truly want to move toward a future filled with all the things I say I want, I'm going to have to stop enjoying my 'sad story' so much.

So now, on the days I can stay with the feeling, hold the 'story' at bay, not react by calling or writing, well, those are the days I get the 'gold star.' They are not good days; mostly they are days where every moment is a struggle to stay present and 'love what is.' But they are the days where I 'earn' it. They are the days on which I want to model who I am--a strong, self-loving, compassionate person. That is the person I want to be, and that is the partner I want in my life. I look at my gold stars now, little by little beginning to shine across the days of each month, and I feel good about the love I'm bringing toward me.