Retreat

Funny, I think my last post was called 'Returning' which might seem more appropriate for this one, since I've just gotten home from a high school reunion and 9 days in Texas! But I'll get to the reasons for the 'Retreat' in a minute... The time away was wonderful--I didn't miss a thing here--well actually, not true--I always miss my cats terribly when I travel. But I needed the break, and it was wonderful to see family and so many old friends. The reunion was a smashing success, and I'm so glad I was able to be a part of it. Even though I don't live in Texas anymore, the Internet allowed me to make a real contribution. And since I was one of the main people who helped kick it off, I felt very connected to the outcome. It was wonderful, and even though I dislike Texas and would never want to live there again, I cried when I left. I will miss those I love. There, I felt surrounded by love--here, I only feel its lack.

And so, I am home. At least I have a full house this weekend, and business seems to be picking up for Fall, thank goodness. But it was not easy to come back to the dealings with 'him.' It's simply this--the impossibility of getting 'over' the pain when it continues to present itself on a regular basis. I realized it's not that I don't want to run the B&B--it's that I don't want to run it with him. I honestly believe it is time for him to do what he says he wants to do and GO. Of course, this is not my choice to make, and I'm sure it would hurt tremendously to have him gone--but I'm starting to believe it hurts MORE to have him here...

So I am putting myself in 'retreat' mode. I suppose I've been there in some respects all along, but mostly I have retreated from others. Now, I find that I must retreat from HIM. There is nothing left to say--I have said it all, and it changes nothing. He feels nothing, and while I find this hard to believe, when I still feel such heartache, it simply is what it is, and I must not try to fight it any longer. I must be like the silly knights in Monty Python when pursued by the killer rabbit and 'Run Away!' My house is my safe haven, and it will give all the shelter I need. My two boys are the knights in armor--though I won't count on them for much protection beyond a mighty 'meow' or two! I must hold on to the belief that my love was true, that this is not some punishment sent by Heaven for mistakes I've made along the way, but rather an unexpected twist on the path that will lead me to pleasant surprises. Some days--most days--it's still very hard to believe this, but I am trying. I remain open to whatever comes my way...