I just realized it's been almost 2 weeks since my last blog entry--sounds sort of like something you'd say to your priest about confession, doesn't it?! I suppose I do use this blog as sort of a 'confessional,' but I've also learned it's better not to confess everything to the virtual world. Will get you in trouble every time! So back to the subject at hand--why haven't I been blogging lately?
I suppose it's partly due to the fact that I've been very busy at the B&B, but more likely because I've been at a better place, more at peace, almost feeling a sense of 'happiness' again. I think it could have been the result of Indian Summer, because now that it's cold and dreary I can't seem to get my groove back. But the weather isn't the only reason, unfortunately...
Whoever said 'pride goeth before a fall' was right on target; I was feeling more than a little proud of myself in my responses toward 'you know who.' I'd finally started responding rather than reacting to every little thing, and it seemed like we were working better together, which has been more than usual due to stuff needing to be done here. It felt like maybe we were getting more on a 'friend' basis, even, then wham! bam! thank you m'am! he pushed a button, I got hooked, and I gave him both a mouthful and an earful! Granted, the button he pushed was still a sensitive one, and he knew it, even prefaced his comment with 'I know this is going to hurt your feelings.' So I ask myself, why did he feel the need to go there, and the only answer I can come up with is that he can't stand it when things are going better, so he'll (subconsciously) do anything he can to sabotage the relationship. He's been doing that from the very beginning, over and over and over again. While I just sit back, take it, then start over forgiving him...
Ok, the question finally has to become WHY DO I DO IT? What is it in me that just can't seem to stop hoping he'll stop doing it? What is it that can't let go, quit loving him, move on, etc, etc, etc? I think I know all the issues in my past that brought me to this behavior, but I still don't know how to stop it. I have to believe that each of these little 'incidents' is another lesson I must learn in order to truly 'see what is.' This person is not, has never been, emotionally healthy. I have tried to glue the relationship together for years, and the glue has finally given way to the broken pieces. I have to pick myself up out of them and use that glue to put myself back together. I have to stop turning backward and move FORWARD. And yet I don't even know what that means. What seemed to be working, and what I must try to find again, was the daily routine, the moment by moment, the quiet peace of an instant... Unfortunately, I'm now nursing a cold along with my soul, so these few days of starting again feel tiring...but I must...the only light lies before me, not behind.
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