Surviving...

I made it through the holiday weekend, pretty much on my own except for some guests and calls from family and friends. It was okay...the down time was good and feels like what I need right now. Sometimes it gets to be more than I need though and there's really no answer for that. Everyone wants me to get excited about the future and make 2010 a new best year ever, etc, etc, etc. I wish I had a switch I could just flip and start feeling that way. I'm trying to find 'strong moments' again, as Marcus Buckingham writes about in his new book. Thanks to it, I know where to look for them, and sometimes I do find them, but right now, the down moments feel almost as prevalent as the strong ones. I don't know how to simply 'make them go away.' I think it's a process, and I think everyone has to move through it in their own way...

What I am trying to do is focus on it less, talk about it less, get myself out with friends or just 'out' so that I can start seeing a different future. It's not that I'm opposed to having one, it's just that I have no earthly idea what that might look like. I don't think I'll be here, but I'm here right now and I have to accept that. Things are the way they are right now, and no amount of wishing or looking for a new future is going to change what is right now. It's a weird duality that I'm starting to understand one has to accept in order to have any kind of peace in life at all. Except for me, at the moment, it's not really making me feel good to know that pain will always live with pleasure. Hopefully I can get used to that idea...

In the meantime, one just has to live the best one can. That's what I'm striving for, anyway. Got out of the house today and came down to a local restaurant/cafe to work and do some writing. Haven't gotten to the actual writing yet, but decided to have a glass of wine before I leave, so maybe that will cheer my spirits and set the tone...