Christmas Eve

Ah, yes, I've been here before...Christmas Eve, alone, no lover to share the special moment...I could be out with friends, but I don't want to be. Suddenly, a bit ago, it occurred to me, I want to be here, alone with my cats, quiet, at peace; not anywhere else, pretending to be happier than I am. I've been here, but this time I'm accepting it. Tomorrow may be the same...I haven't decided... I only know I'm trying to get my life into some kind of order, to deal with all I've been putting off dealing with, to accept, to know the future, not as I wished it would be, but as it is... He said to me earlier that right now, he just wants to be 'alone' and yet, I know that's not what he really wants. He's never been comfortable with 'alone' time...he spends his energy on projects and then retreats from deeper intimacy. I, on the other hand, am comfortable just 'being alone.' Yes, sometimes it's lonely, but it's a place I know and can live in, if I have to, as it now appears I do...

Yet even tonight, there will be guests in the house, and my cats are here, and music fills the air, the rain falls like a timid friend, and I am at peace with the 'aloneness.' I don't need to be anywhere else but here, right now, in this moment, holding it like the companion it is, cherishing, even attempting to love it in all its imperfection. There is much to do, and life is short, so I won't waste this holiday bemoaning its lack of intimacy in my own life. I will pray, and meditate, and send loving kindness into the world, where it's needed. I will slip into peace as best I can, and the day will be full. Grief and I will find our way into hope.