The Next Stage of the Journey

Less than 2 weeks after I made my last post, my world came apart--again. Just as I thought perhaps I was starting to put the pieces back into some sort of cohesive whole, the horrible truth came out at last. I understand so much more now, but the understanding is not pleasant. Still, it's real. Finally, I am realizing that no amount of crying or screaming is going to change it. I read something recently that puts it in simple terms--you can yell at a cat all day long, but it still isn't going to bark.

I won't go into all the sad and terrible details, but for some reason, just about the time I was supposed to go out of town for my niece's wedding and leave the B&B with 'him' again, I found myself hit once more with all the 'secrets' he seemed to be keeping. So I ask the question again: Is there someone else? It turned out that this time he said 'yes,' and it turns out it is someone who used to be 'our' friend, and it also turns out it had started before he ever left--which now explains a lot of the weird and angry behavior. WOW! As if that wasn't enough--and he did admit it all but only after I pieced everything together--ironically, that was pretty easy to do once I knew the 'who'--but after all that, when I asked it is was serious or marriage was on the horizon, he lied even about that. I later found out from a friend that he had already given her a very expensive engagement ring! That, and the part about the film, hurt me as much as all the lying.

The part about the film is this--he had worked with her on a short film about a local event that happened in town 3 years ago--he did the poster for it--just as he always did posters for my scripts, they had a screening (on a date I was out of town!!)--and he even got producer credit on IMDB!! I feel like he's taken every single one of my dreams and is now living them out with her. It has been a heart-wrenching 2 months. The lies, the betrayal--for 2 years he's been gone in a much more 'real' way than I ever knew. While I've sat here, for the most part, still loving him and wishing he would get through his 'crisis' and come back.

Why do men do this to us? How could a woman I knew do this to me? Doesn't either one of them realize the pain and destruction they have caused? Yet when I look back, I can see now that this is what he did to his previous wife. He told the story of 'how unhappy he was' with her, and we all bought it, and I bought into his love for me. But of course the minute he realized I wanted REAL love and intimacy, he immediately began to pull away. And maybe I did ignore that, and the instinct I had that he was 'messed up.' Maybe my lack of hubris caused me to believe you can love someone into wellness. Now I know you can't.

I wish I wasn't such a 'need to know' person, but I am. I probably know much, much more than I actually 'need to know.' I'm not sure anymore if knowing makes it better or worse. But what I know is this--something is missing in 'him.' Some vital element of character or morality or something that would keep a person from walking away, would keep them from being happy with what they have. He can say all day he was never happy, but I have the cards and the letters and the memories to prove that more often than not, he was. I have the happy times I had, and I wouldn't be feeling such a deep well of grief if I hadn't truly believed he was my life partner and best friend forever. I'm stunned to know he didn't feel the same way.

But now I have the hard work of truly letting go. I will write more about this in another entry, as this one is getting quite long. I will also write about my uncertain future and the house. I will tell you how I am trying to overcome the pain. Nothing really works completely, but it all works a little. Right now, maybe that's the best I can hope for.