Losing Faith

I wonder how one does not...Time goes by and by and by and nothing changes really. You feel alone and you are alone; pain ebbs and flows; life has no real purpose or direction. How long does one have to live in the place before the 'light at the end of the tunnel' appears? I don't know the answer to this question...I only know I am here, and nothing has changed to lessen the feeling of isolation.

I sprained my finger yesterday, and I have to admit the physical pain is something of a welcome relief. Now I have a reason to stop, nap, rest, feel sorry for myself. I want it to heal, and yet, it doesn't matter to me if it doesn't. I feel the same about myself.

A friend and I were discussing how perhaps it's necessary to 'empty' oneself in order to figure out what's next. If that's the case, I'm certainly reaching the point of complete 'nothingness.' The Tao says this is necessary...I wait to discover if this is indeed true. I don't mind so much anymore...I'm growing used to the idea that in the end, no one can help me but myself... Somehow it doesn't matter anymore what happens. I simply wait...and I feel sad.