People keep saying it's a wonderful thing, having a clean slate in front of you, a life that can be anything you want it to be. I keep trying to 'get' that, but it's eluding me... I had the life I wanted, pretty much down to a 'T,' so when I hear friends saying how great it will be creating something new, well, it makes me feel pretty frustrated, quite frankly. The more I think about the 'future,' the more I have no earthly idea what I want it to be... Yes, there are many things I could do, and while some of them seem interesting and worth considering, I can't think of one particular thing that seems to be grabbing my 'passion.' The only thing that really holds my attention these days seems to be the work I'm doing on myself. I thought I'd done a lot of it, but now I can see there's a lot left to be done...
In the meantime, I suppose what I'm really trying to learn to do is 'live in the moment.' Right now, it's the only thing that really makes sense to me. Do I 'like' this moment? No, most of the time I hate it. But I have to find pleasure in the little things--a nice glass of wine, holding my cats, fixing dinner, reading a good book, sitting on the porch. They're all I have really, and as far as I seem to be able to go in 'figuring out what I want.'
I hope this changes. I hope some day I feel passion again, for living if nothing else. I hope I do have dreams. I hope I find something that makes my heart sing. I hope I can create a life that I never could have imagined. At least I do have hope. Because at the moment, that's about all I have.
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