Atunement

It sounds like such a lovely word, doesn't it? Like something you'd use when singing in harmony, or playing musical instruments with a group of friends, or even just getting in sync with someone. But in the therapeutic world, atunement is actually a bad thing. It means you're enmeshed, co-dependent, someone who leans on another person, and this isn't a good. This is what has happened to me and Jim, and the task now is to 'de-tune.' I do not like de-tuning. De-tuning means no sharing, no personal relationship, no connection beyond what is needed to maintain a 'working' relationship. De-tuning means he's not there for me, and I'm not there for him. De-tuning replaces all that was. It makes me sad...

I learned this today when I attended a session with Jim's counselor, who is a wonderful woman I really like a lot. I feel she did more than anyone has to help us come up with a 'plan' for de-tuning. It appears that plan may ultimately lead me away for a while this winter, and it seems we are 'both' okay with that. For me, detachment IS going to take distance...I'm not even sure I can do it until then, but I will try my best. I don't like it; I don't understand it; but I suppose it is something that must be. I don't see that I have any choice in the matter, and this also makes me sad.

I feel that to save myself, I must find a way to escape all this for a time. I feel a certain amount of 'lightness' in that, and I'm eager to see what opportunities life may bring. I can't look back; I can't regret; I can't miss; I can't love; I can't do any of the things my nature SO wants to do. Here is a poem I found recently that sums up my feelings:

I know
it's hard to be reconciled
not everything is exactly
the way it ought to be

but please turn around
and step into the future
leave memories behind
enter the land of hope. -----Zbigniew Herber, from A Life