Independence Day

The 4th of July has become an interesting holiday for me. Four years ago, shortly after moving to this house, we found our beloved cat Boo Radley (Boodle) on the 4th, just a block up the street, a tiny kitten, starving, who could barely walk. We just 'happened' to have guests that weekend who were vet students, and who have now become some of my closet friends, not to mention Boo's 'godparents.' Boo has become a lifeline for me now, along with his step-brother, Jack Sparrow, as well as my vet friends.

Last year was a terrible 4th of July. My husband and I had been separated 3 months, and he was at a cook-out with our friends who live across the back fence. So while I sat on my porch, alone except for my cats, I could hear the festivities that I wasn't invited to be a part of. I'm not proud of my behavior--let's just leave it at that. At least it was primarily between me and him, rather than a public scene that caused everyone embarrassment. But it was bad. Things were truly terrible for me at that point, trying to understand why he'd left and couldn't even spend a holiday with me when he knew how alone I was. At least now I have a better grasp on it.

Today has been better. I am truly trying to claim my own 'independence,' and am setting better boundaries to deal not so much with him, but rather with my own inadequacies when it comes to him. When you keep reaching out, and are consistently pushed away, it takes its toll. It might be wise to learn to quit reaching out, which is where my mind is these days. So I wrote him a letter to let him know how I felt we should handle our business relationship at present, and then I wrote him another letter (which I will not send) attempting to tell him goodbye. This isn't easy, and it may take many (unsent) letters before I truly feel I have released him. But at least it's a move toward freedom and independence. A move I need to make.

Today has been better in other ways too, and it isn't over yet. I took a bike ride on a new part of our hiking/biking trail and discovered, of all things, there's a LAKE in our small town. (Actually, there's another park with a lake, so this is the second...) This wonderful little ride, and a park with a lake at the end of it. Amazing! This town never ceases to delight me with all the beautiful places it has to offer...

When I finish this post, I will walk to my neighbor's house for a short visit with a group of friends before my guests arrive. (I just had another booking, so I now have a FULL house tonight!) Wow! After I get everyone settled in, I have a second set of friends arriving, to cookout here and then watch the fireworks tonight. That's another small town surprise--they have amazing fireworks, something I always enjoy, but now find bittersweet without the one at my side who always enjoyed them with me. Lots of life is like that for me now.

Still, I feel good that I am taking baby steps toward moving ahead. It will be a long time before I don't have bad days, I suspect, but at least I have a better sense of 'hope.' This, when all is said and done, is the best I could ask for at the moment.

Happy 4th to all my fellow Americans! And even if you're grieving like me, know that someday freedom from it will ring once more.

Here is a poem I found, which I love, and shared in my 'sent' note...it's called 'Woman With Flower.'

I wouldn't coax the plant if I were you.
Such watchful nurturing may do it harm.
Let the soul rest from so much digging
And wait until it's dry before you water it.
The leaf's inclined to find its own direction;
Give it a chance to seek the sunlight for itself.
Much growth is stunted by too careful prodding,
Too eager tenderness.
The things we love we have to leave alone. (Naomi Long Medgett)