Business has picked up slightly, which is a good thing for the 'big picture.' I don't mind really, because it's nice to have others in the house. I love sharing the house. This weekend I have a trip on the horizon, so I have lots of work to do in preparing for that, as well as dealing with guests. Still, it's good to be busy...
Underneath all that lies the 'aloneness.' I can be alone; I've been alone in the past, and I know how to do it. I just don't want to. I did that already, and I don't want to do it again. I do the affirmations, the positive thinking, etc etc etc--maybe it's just me, but it's not what I want. I want a companion, someone to share the ups and downs, the journey, the work, the good and the bad... I want to reach out, but what's the point--as my sister tells me, it only continues the 'insanity.' It is what it is...I am alone now, single, here with my two cats, my guitar, my pain. This is my life.
For these things I am grateful--friends near and far who console me, business picking up, my guitar, my cats, beautiful weather, a good glass of wine, trips to look forward to, good books to read, my journal, walks, did I mention friends? I keep reminding myself everything is perfect, just the way it is. I wish it felt that it was...I don't.
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