Love's Addictions

This is a hard one...is it addiction, to feel the loss of someone and to still that need connection with them, on whatever level, until you reach a place where you can genuinely move on? Or is that simply grief and the heartache trying to let go of someone who was a part of your life for 15 years and who in many ways, still is, divorced or not, your family? Is it dependence to still love and believe in someone to whom you gave the biggest part of your heart, or is it simply that, as I mentioned in another post, it takes time to refill the hole left by their absence? I honestly don't think I know the answer to this.

People who consider themselves experts--and even those who aren't--seem to find it so easy to say 'you're codependent,' 'you're hanging on,' 'you're addicted to love,' etc etc etc. I can certainly see elements of that, and knowing my past history, I suspect there's a certain amount of truth in it. But at the end of the 'day,' what's wrong with wanting to reach out to that person who who once promised to be there for you 24/7? What's wrong with wanting that connection, in whatever new form it may need to take? I think it's only when someone insists on pulling away completely that you're left with absolutely nothing to fill the empty space...

He tells me it takes time and space and neutrality to find peace for us, and while I believe this, I know it takes him twice the time and space it would take me, so somewhere between his time and space and mine, the 'need' kicks in and I'm left with the emptiness to fill. And yes, there are other ways to fill it, but what about when you've exhausted those and again, it's still empty. What about when you pray, and you still feel empty?

I am looking for that place inside where I don't need to feel loved by a 'person,' and yet on some levels, I hope it's a place I never find. I DO want love; I DO want connection; I DO want to believe. If that IS addiction, I suppose I have it...and I can't honestly say I want to give it up. I want to be strong; to know I'm self sufficient; to respect my own boundaries and those of my partner...but love, yes, I want it. I never want to not want it. I guess I'd rather believe that's 'hope,' not addiction.