Narcissistic Men

I was listening to a very interesting radio program today with a woman named Lisa Scott who just wrote a book called, It's All About Him. It was fascinating and illuminating. I've been told several times that my 'ex' was probably a narcissist, but I always find it difficult to believe because in some ways he doesn't fit what I would have thought was the 'profile.' Yet listening to this program, I found so many similarities it was frightening. The idea that he always needs attention and validation; that he could not stand any kind of criticism; that he would go outside the relationship to feed his addiction but always came back because he needs the secondary validation only a relationship can give; that in the end he began to seek ways to 'escape' from the relationship; that something always seemed 'off' but I could never figure out what exactly. Every single one of these things was absolutely true in my relationship.

And yet, I so don't want to believe it. I don't want to accept the fact that he could not and can not feel empathy. That he doesn't really know how to love. That the illusion was never ever real. The reality of all that hits SO very hard. And no matter what I thought on believed, I never would have suspected it was a personality disorder. Perhaps I thought he was just not a person with a strong character; that he was immature; etc etc. But this, this is beyond anything I ever would have suspected. How does one reconcile such a truth? How does one move on and learn to trust again?

Right now, I can see it, acknowledge it, accept it, but I feel very very alone. I feel like I'm in the middle of a play that most people can't really understand. I feel for him; I feel for the next woman he loves; for those of us he loved and left in the past--not just women but family members as well. I tend to be a person who digs deep for answers, but I am in the minority. Most people wouldn't believe this if I told them. So I carry the knowledge in my heart and hope it will make me a stronger person. For him, I hold little hope, and that too makes me so very sad.

In the meantime, I will go on as best I can. I have a busy weekend, although I know in many ways it will also be a lonely one. I feel a lot of loneliness these days, and yet I keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's the only thing one can do...grieve and go forward. Sad, but imperative.