Nothing is Better

I had the weirdest thought while I was at the Y working out today. I suppose it ties in with the struggle I've been going through in dealing with the 'unreality' of my relationship; the idea that what I believed to be real all these years may never have been real at all. But what occurred to me was that if it wasn't real, and having something I believed to be pretty much everything I wanted isn't possible, then honestly I would rather have nothing. On some levels that might seem pretty sad and negative, but it didn't really strike me as so at the time.

For the past couple of days I have been so lonely and missing him so much that I finally broke down and popped in to 'band practice' last night. It's an open situation where people drop by all the time to hear the 'boys' jam, so the only weird thing about my doing it was that it was me, and everyone pretty much knows now what he's done to me. I could see in the reaction of one of the guys that he wondered if I was going to cause a freak-out scene. I think seeing that in his face actually calmed me down...not that I was worked up or anything. Part of the reason I went was to see if one of the guys who'd recently 'taken up for me' was there. I wanted to tell him thank you, because it's probably the first time I've heard of someone actually doing that--telling the 'ex' that the way he did what he did was just plain wrong. That's the real crux of it--the way he did it, and the lying. Anything would have been better, especially from someone you thought was your best friend.

Anyway, he didn't even see me till they finished one song, and by that time I was able to wave and smile and just 'be cool.' After the next song--one he used to sing for me at karaoke--they took a break and we chit-chatted for a bit, but not about anything important. Then I left because I had guests coming in. He walked me to the door, gave me a hug, and that was that. I was glad I went...

I was able to 'be there' and know that I still feel what I feel but it doesn't change anything. I'm still alone; he's still who he is; he's still with someone else. I still miss the things about him I miss, but no amount of missing is going to bring any of that back. I was proud of myself that I didn't cry or rage or do one thing to make him feel guilty--at least I don't think I did, and he didn't seem to mind that I'd shown up. There just aren't that many places to 'get out and be with people' around this little town. Especially people that are involved in music, and I miss that so much.

But at the end of it all, at the moment, I would rather be alone with myself than with anyone who's not him--in the 'man' department at least. I am okay with that. I am lonely sometimes, but I am okay. It's a strong place to be.