Me and My House

So it seems I'm going to be staying with the house for the time being. The minute I found out 'the truth,' all I wanted was to run as far and as fast from this place as I could. Amazingly, the perfect job appeared out of nowhere, but another irony, I still haven't heard a word back about it. I don't think they've hired anyone, but right now, no one seems to be hiring me either. Ultimately I had to make a choice: Take the upfront money (not even half the equity) he was offering and 'hope' for the rest later, or stay and see the sell through myself. As much as I love the house, the choice may have seemed like a no-brainer, but staying here hasn't been easy--and now, most days, it's even harder than before. I try not to let my mind go to the 'bad places' but invariably it finds its way back to them. I wonder when that will change; I wonder when he will be little more than a distant memory to me. I wonder if that time will ever come.

For now anyway, I am trying to take the needed steps to rebuild my life. I have been working by phone with a divorce recovery coach, which seems like it's helping somewhat. I've had to work hard to overcome my 'don't spend the money' voice, but I'm trying to give myself permission to do something positive that's just for me. She gives me exercises and is helping me learn to see through 'a different lens.' I think the main thing is just having someone objective 'in my corner.' Someone who checks in on the follow-through and helps me stay as positive as I can. (Which isn't always a lot, but I'm working on shifting this mentality.)

So, I will keep this one short as I'm waiting for her call now, and then I'm off to Columbia for my mediation class tonight. That's helping, too. A lot. Staying present isn't always easy or fun, but it's the only real place to be.