Endings = Beginnings

I don't like this at all. I don't like endings, even if they DO equal beginnings. I do two readings every day -- one is Unity's Daily Word and the other is Wayne Dyer's translation of the Tao de Ching. Both of today's readings said the only constant is change; the only thing we can truly believe is 'this too shall pass.' A friend of mine who died of cancer this past February had a ring engraved for me in Hebrew with this sentiment. I know it well -- but I don't want to believe it. I want the good things to last. I want the love, the happy times, the peacefulness I might feel in one moment...I want all those things to last. Do I want grief to last, or pain, or loss -- hell NO!

Lest you think every day is a sad and meaningless today, I want to let you know that today was a good day. I spoke with friends, I got things accomplished, I have guests, I feel contentment, if not happiness. I even had an interesting interaction with my husband (ex but I can't say that yet...) when he came down to help me get a tree out of the yard that had fallen during last night's storm. I was determined NOT to say anything too personal, not to dump feelings on him, just to be thankful for his assistance and leave it at that. But then he asked me if he could leave an article he'd found about why relationships end, and he made mention of a particular issue called 'flooding.' I couldn't believe it, because of course flooding means dumping more feelings on a person than they can handle. (See yesterday's post!!) So, I told him briefly how I, too, felt this was something that had contributed to the problems in our marriage... But in my defense, I really didn't know any better. I thought he LIKED listening to me talk. So much for assumptions... He agreed, however, that if he wasn't able to verbalize that he DIDN'T like listening to me talk, that was a problem too!

Anyway, while I know this doesn't change or fix a thing, or make the outcome of any of this any different, I will try to do better in this regard. I will do my best to learn this lesson about dumping and flooding and not being a good listener. I will do my best to take my deepest feelings with me into prayer and meditation, and I will ask God to help me deal with them, rather than anyone else. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. With God's mercy, I am enough.