In the Beginning, Part I

So, how did I get to get this state called mourning? I'll give you the short version, in three parts.

Once upon a time, not so long ago, I still believed in happily ever after. Several marriages and one major broken heart later, I'm not so sure I do. I haven't even found my way back to 'happy' yet, much less 'ever after.' To make a long story short, I thought I had a pretty perfect marriage. After all, NO marriage is perfect, but my husband was my best friend and, to me, nothing could have been better than that! We'd had our ups and downs throughout our 14 years together, but after having made a couple of major moves across the country, finally buying a wonderful Victorian bed and breakfast in a charming little town, I really did believe we'd finally worked out all the kinks and come as close to 'happily' as anybody ever did. I'd have bet my life on it.... Good thing I didn't.

Having said all that, I should probably add that I certainly had warning signs along the way that everything wasn't as great as I thought it was. Like the psychic in Sedona who told me she saw dragonflies all around me, and dragonflies stand for 'illusion.' Or his saying stuff like, 'I feel like we're best friends instead of husband and wife.' But I thought that just meant he didn't realize how great it was to be married to your best friend. I told myself he'd figure it out eventually, and in the meantime, he didn't seem to be complaining about anything else. So, for me, love was deepening and growing while for him, it was fading away. How can two people be on such opposite sides of the same relationship? Well, what I realize now is that some people are very good at hiding their discomfort, and would do anything not to upset the status quo, until something inside of them breaks and they have no other choice but to deal with it head on. This, I think, is what happened to my husband...

When he first told me he didn't want to be married anymore, I did what I'd done before when he'd expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship: I asked if he was depressed (he'd been on and off medication for years...); I asked what I/we could do to make him feel better; I told him I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. None of this made any impression on him. He'd made up his mind, I suspect, long before he shared the finality with me and that was that. He wanted out, he wanted a divorce, and nothing I said was going to change how his decision. That's when I started crying and screaming...

To be continued.... ;)