Mourning the Now

I'm going to diverge for a bit from my own 'history' and tell you what it feels like to be in the 'now.' In the Victorian era, mourning was primarily about death. A woman may have been abandoned, or she may even have been divorced, but both were rare and scandalous, whereas mourning was respected and traditions honored. Women didn't leave their house, except for attending church services, for the first year. When they did go out, they dressed in full mourning garb (see Bettie's photo to the left). Veils often covered their faces, and large sleeves allowed tears to fall and absorb when they wept. Grief was an accepted way of life after the death of a loved one.

Today, however, while grieving over the death of a loved one is excepted, no mourning regalia is necessary, and the duration is expected to be brief. And with divorce, well, those partings are rarely allowed mourning at all. The tragedy of all this is that losing a loved one through divorce can be just as painful as a death, if not more. I experienced more of this pain yesterday while working at a local art festival.

In a town of 13,000, and still running a business together, it's impossible not to have to deal with my husband. Especially since he's quite the 'figure about town,' very involved in community activities while seemingly oblivious to how his visibility might be affecting me. I stay home a lot, try to make new friends of my own, and look for activities in nearby cities, to avoid the pain of our crossing paths. But yesterday, he somehow involved himself in working the art festival, so while I sat alone in my booth, he sat just across the way in one of the volunteers stations, not so alone. I did my best to shrug it off, sell my wares, be open to the comings and goings of passersby. He helped me set up, came over several times to see if I needed anything, took the tent down when the event was over, but by the end of the day, the band aid was off and my wound was freshly torn. Where are those mourning sleeves when you need them--however, I did find the hem of my dress a handy handkerchief!

It's the times like this when my heart breaks open. I ask myself again and again what did I do to lose the person I believed was my best friend? Where did he go? Will he come back or is he gone forever, truly 'dead' to me? It hurts like it happened yesterday, but while the 'year' of his leaving is up, the 'year' of the divorce has only begun. It is one month today. I still miss him. I still love him. I still mourn his 'passing' out of my life. When will it end? Will I ever be free if I stay here and continue to allow the wound to be re-opened? And how do I stop that, when the pain is ever present? He often tells me he can't be 'friends' with me, because it will take time to re-establish trust. Yet, I wonder, what doesn't he trust? I'm the one who was left, betrayed, wounded--why is my heart still open and trusting, and his not?

This is how mourning feels now, today....