In the Beginning, Part II

My first instinct is to tell you it does no good to scream and cry, but I know that on some level it does. After reading more books on divorce and grief than I can count, I now realize that transitioning from a marriage to being single again is a complicated process. In hindsight, I believe I could have done it better by keeping the crying and screaming more to myself, rather than dumping it on my husband as often as I did. He was certainly in no emotional shape to be able to deal with both his own and my feelings, but to his credit, he understood how alone I was in this little town with no family nearby and few friends, and he tried his best. The problem is, there were so many things he hadn't told me about his feelings, that by the time he left, while he was done, I was still in shock over the loss of not just my marriage, but my best friend and much, much more.

During those first months, I wavered between the most intense anger and the most intense heartache I have ever experienced in my life. I'm not especially proud of my behavior. In my own defense, however, I certainly had plenty of reasons to be upset. I was left not only with a bed and breakfast to run, but also my own freelance work to do, and a 140-year-old house to maintain. To say it was overwhelming is an understatement. Not that he didn't try to help - he had only moved 4 blocks up the street; but unfortunately, having to call on him didn't make things any easier. My emotions pretty much ran my life on a daily basis. So yes, I cried and I raged and I often spewed those feelings on him. It wasn't pretty.

At the same time I also understood why he had left. He just wanted to find himself and be in charge of his own life. I understood, because I'd been there. I, too, had left a marriage rather suddenly, and for many of the same reasons. It felt like I was dying in that relationship, and I desperately needed to know if there was life on the other side. Maybe he did too, and I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. But the dishonesty and betrayal of love still sent me into a deep grief.

It was from this grief that my heart broke wide open, and I began my spiritual journey. Now, I've always been a deeply spiritual personal, and I work very hard to live my life at a level of true authenticity. But suddenly I knew there was much much more to living a spiritual life than I'd previously understood. It was here that my real journey through grief and mourning truly began...

To Be Continued...