The Faces of Loss

Before my divorce, I had no idea what loss really looked like. Grief was something my family varnished over, so even though I'd lost people I loved, and ended prior relationships, I realize now they were never fully grieved. I have no idea why some losses can be stuffed down for years and years and then finally one day, you lose something that breaks you open and every loss you've ever experienced rears its painful head and demands attention. Not only that, but the one terrible loss that's broken you is like a diamond with more facets than you even realized existed, and you must face each one of them as its own individual piece of your grief. I didn't know this before, and sometimes I wish I didn't know it now! Could I ever go back to being the person I was before, blind to the deeper sorrows a heart can hold? I wonder...

The most immediate losses came in all shapes and sizes, and you might think the most difficult to face was losing the marriage itself. Granted, this was a tough one, and it wasn't until two weeks before my divorce was final that I finally wrote my marriage a letter telling it goodbye. But most days it's the smaller ones that sneak up and break my heart. I miss making dinner together, talking about books, going to karaoke, working on my own book projects with him, seeing movies, cleaning the rooms, taking trips, dressing up, dressing down, long walks, wine on the back porch, laughing at our cats, listening to him play the piano, having someone to take out the trash, his creativity around the house, his sense of humor, making love, cuddling when its cold outside, holding hands, kissing...I could go on and on but you get the idea. So many little pieces that make up a life, and suddenly, almost in an instant, they're all gone. And the biggest missing pieces for me are the love I believed would see us through forever and our friendship. I thought he was my best friend, and now he says he's not sure if he ever was. Those losses have been the hardest to bear, with the most terrible of all being the loss of the 'illusion.' That maybe, just possibly, nothing I believed to be true was ever really true at all. And yet, what is life except illusion anyway? Probably when I believed it to be real, it was real. I wonder why it isn't real now. I never quit believing...only he did.

And so I have grieved those losses, as well as other more distant. They are too many and too complex to continue on with here...perhaps another time. But for now, know that if you grieve, and your grief seems deeper and more difficult than one relationship might warrant, that is never the case. Loss wears many faces, and each will demand acknowledgment. To be truly healed, you must cry for them all. I know, because I'm still crying...