Does Writing Help...

I've started an 'alter ego' blog (see links) to help me step into a different way of seeing my life. Mostly I think it's working, but today I feel a slight set-back so I've stepped over to Electra's page. I can't explain it really; I think part of it is that I'm angry and I don't know how to express it. I want to control things I can't control, and have information I'm not supposed to want to have anymore. How does one just quit caring or wanting to know about the life of someone they loved deeply? How do you just turn that off? I haven't figured out how to do that...I think I want to, but sometimes I'm not really sure if I do or not.

I've really been working hard to 'see' the situation in a different light, that it IS difficult, that it's not my fault, that to some extent I am 'trapped' at the moment. I know it's what I do with the time of 'entrapment' that's important, but it is SO hard for me not to want to reach out to the 'other' I miss so much. I suppose it's true there becomes less and less to miss as time goes by, but I have moments, like this one, that I just want us to be able to talk. I think that's why I'm so angry--that we can't talk anymore, that even our friendship seems to have been destroyed. I keep trying to remember it's his guilt that's destroyed it, nothing I've done. The anger I've had needs no justification.

Someone was trying to tell me recently that all the lying was done only because 'he cared' about me, but there comes a point when it's time to stop, when if you really care you want to make some sort of amends. That time hasn't come and may never come. I see our lives diverging and not meeting again, and it breaks my heart. I don't know why it has to be that way. I'm here, trying my best to live this life, and it seems nothing I want matters and I must learn to detach from letting it matter. I want to detach. I do. I do. I do. But I am here and some days the pain is here too. And no one can fix or change that.