Shades of a Gray Morning

We had a storm last night and while it cooled the air a bit, the clouds linger. Perhaps Electra should be writing this post, but I'm determined to hold my gray mood at bay, and surely that's an Evangeline behavior!

Yesterday was an interesting day. I agreed to pose for a friend's figure drawing class at a local university...not nude but fully clothed! She wanted me to wear 'something fun' so I chose a sky blue Oriental jacket, a black hat with two white feathers, an obsidian pendant, and a Japanese fan. Although the 'sitting still' part wears on the back a bit after a while, one certainly has a lot of time to 'think.' After having my first experience with absenthe on Sunday, I felt like part of some avant garde community, posing as a model in art class, centered around the intent stares of blossoming artists, the smell of paint an invisible liquid in the air. Of course, the horse-riding on the outer lawn about halfway through the class drew me away from that image somewhat! (William Woods is an equestrian school, and there are always people on horses somewhere in the vicinity!) Still, the horses provided a nice distraction from rambling thoughts about 'appropriate anger.'

That's the latest 'task' I'm working on, and I have to say I'm struggling to find images of myself expressing anger appropriately, or even images of fictional women doing that. For instance, in FRIED GREEN TOMATOES, Kathy Bates smashes up the car of two younger women who steal her parking space. I don't think that's exactly appropriate anger, though most women would certainly cheer her on! During the course of my marriage, I think, for the most part, I expressed my anger appropriately. Maybe not always, but I don't think I held back from saying what was on my mind. But how can one ever know if their 'tone' is too strong, or how the other person may be internalizing the response? I realize that is about them, so perhaps once again it comes down to the choices we make regarding the people in our lives... I have one friend now, and she and I are able to have disagreements, and while they're never 'fun,' I'm mostly able to state my case and then let it go. I've never felt either of us held 'grudges,' and I think I used to do that a lot, where friends were concerned anyway. I think I've decided that I don't want people in my life who don't allow me to express myself authentically, be it in anger or otherwise. In some ways, that may limit the people I'm able to 'express' to, but maybe that's better in the long run...

I had ample opportunities for 'expression' yesterday evening as well. The local arts group hosted an 'After Hours' event. I went, knowing you-know-who was going to be there and deciding I should quit worrying about that and looking my best, go have a good time. Which I did. I even managed to get in a bit of 'flirtation,' which felt nice. Mostly I feel angry that he's even still in the picture around here, and hasn't gone off to be with his 'new love' SOMEWHERE ELSE! But at least I'm not 'hiding' anymore. Electra hid for too long, and for no good reason. Evangeline is determined to shine.