The Wrong Side of the Bed

I suppose it happens to all of us at one time or another, and since I'm only just 'meeting' my alter ego in Evangeline, my hope is that 'we' will deal with this 'wrong side of the bed' issue together. I keep telling myself I've dealt with the anger, risen above it, refused to carry it, made peace with it, etc. etc. But the truth of the matter is, all I've really done is turned it back on myself. Or maybe that's what 'Electra' has done and this new part of me truly wants to stop feeling everything is my fault. I'm starting to realize that some of core of me is truly furious, and she/I has no idea what to do with this feeling. Obviously it does no good whatsoever to turn the rage inward--or even outward for that matter. I just have to walk through it and hope joy is on the other side.

My coach reminded me yesterday that sometimes when a person lies to us for a long time, we begin to internalize those lies and believe they are true. But the fact of the matter is that another person's lies are just that--THEIR lies. For now, it's ok for me to stop looking for the 'truth' in this situation and simply accept that I was lied to, betrayed, and rejected by someone in whom I put absolute trust. Yes, that's what I put in him--ABSOLUTE TRUST. Perhaps it was misplaced or misguided or mistaken but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that I believed and trusted. And for the past two and a half years, I have been repeatedly lied to, even when I begged for truth. There is a cruel and unusual punishment in that kind of treatment that truly does leave one with symptoms of PTSD. I didn't do this to myself; Electra didn't do this to me; and Evangeline certainly didn't do it. It was done TO me.

Now, I'm here in the 'big house' trying to put together the broken pieces and start a new life while the old life still has its claws in my very being. This is not my fault either; this is where and how he left me. These are the facts, and at the moment, there is very little I can do to change them.

Electra has done her best not to live in a state of 'victimhood,' but has instead chosen sadness as her clock of choice. Evangeline wants to choose anger, I think, but as the adult here, I'm willing to indulge that emotion for a time, but 'we're' not going to live in it. For now, it's enough for her/me to know it's perfectly fine to be angry, indignant, and justified in hating the actions of those who have hurt me. It is perfectly ok to stand firm in the belief that I did NOT deserve such treatment, and that I am a priceless treasure another person mistook for a piece of junk. There's no need for me to believe someone else's skewed vision. I know what's in my heart, and my soul, and my spirit. It's all good. Love starts here.