Freedom...

My coach suggested I try writing an 'antithesis' to my previous entry about the deer. She gave me some questions to ponder, but I'm not sure I know how to answer any of them... For example--what does true freedom look like for me? Am I ready to move toward its gate? What steps might help me do that?

I have been 'playing' with my 'core values' images, journaling, exploring, reading, and I have to say I still have no real clue what life is calling me to do. If I go back to the metaphor of the trapped deer, I would have to say that most important, probably, is the healing. Thinking of it now, I can feel the fear and anxiety they felt, the sense of wanting to find a way out, to escape, but not being able to 'see' any kind of exit. My heart still aches for the small one who cut its mouth trying to break free, and I can only hope that wound heals with time. But time is the key to any healing, I think, and I am still healing from my own wounds. I am still trying to accept the fact that I can't 'talk' my way to happiness, that perhaps ultimately, it's my 'words' (my mouth) that have caused the most harm to myself and others. Part of my healing process must be to forgive myself for that.

But once the deer were free, they simply disappeared, and perhaps 'disappearing' has always been another issue for me. If I go through the gate, will I too disappear? What is out there? What happens if I 'step off the cliff'? What does 'freedom' look like?

I have to believe that first and foremost, there is peace in being free. There must be a sense of deep satisfaction in knowing the walls are gone, and the way is clear. There must be contentment and meaning. But each deer had to find its own way out of entrapment. The first deer, once pointed in the right direction, seemed to go easily. The other two didn't find the path so quickly. It reminds me of the scene of a recent LOST episode, when Jacob told Hurley, "You can put some people in a cab and tell them where to go and they go. Others have to sit and stare at the ocean for a while."

Perhaps that's what I'm doing--I know the gate is there, but I'm still waiting, staring, trying to piece together what might be on the other side. I don't think there's anything wrong with staring at the gate, but staring isn't going to get me anywhere in the long run--and I'm never going to know what's on the other side till walk I through it.

The only thing I know for sure at the moment is that my life here at the B&B is the kind of life I want. Yes, it has missing pieces. But the gate is open. I am willing to walk into freedom, even if freedom simply means peace of mind. I am willing to be guided by that part of me that knows the direction my soul wants to go. Perhaps, somewhere along the way, I will find what I've lost--or something better.