No Words

Is this a new place? Dare I believe I could actually be finding a different way of 'being?' I had the oddest experience this week, and I'm still afraid to believe things might really be 'changing' for me. Is this Evangeline's 'good news?' I'm hopeful...and isn't it odd for a writer to find hope in 'no words?' But that's what happened the other day. He sent me an email; I tried to respond; I couldn't find the words. So I let it go. I got another one today about a possible counseling appointment. Still no words. I deleted it. I'm not angry or feeling bad. I just don't have any more words to say to him. I've finally said them all, I think, and I don't really want to hear any more of his, either. It's an odd feeling... I'm not sure where it came from, other than I've simply been trying to keep focused on 'creating' in my own life. It seems to be working. I'm not particularly happy or sad; I'm just doing what needs to be done...

I did have something of an odd experience last night. I went to meet a male friend at a nearby winery. He's at a similar place in his own relationship, about to go through a divorce, so I've stayed in 'friendship mode,' but I enjoy our visits and discussions a lot. He's probably the only person I've met around here with whom I'm able to have the same kind of 'wine conversations' I used to have with 'him.'

But driving home, I just started sobbing, and I couldn't stop, and I felt so angry--mostly at myself--when I got home. Because I still miss my love. Yet my love wasn't ever who I thought he was... I'm lonely but I'm also afraid to get close. I don't want to let anyone in that much, and sometimes I wonder if there will ever come a time when I do. For me, it is a very strange place to be. I've never been one to shut people out; I've never been afraid of being 'intimate.' Right now, I am. Ok, so this is very much Electra talking here, because I have a sense that Evangeline isn't afraid of much. So what the hell is Electra doing over here in this blog?!! Run back over to your own page Electra.

When the time is right, we will love. Both of us, and we will do it fully!