The Worst Thing

I have a conversation with a friend yesterday and was bringing him up to date on some of the things that have happened in the past three months. He said something that no one else has said, except me. He said, 'Of all the things you've told me he's done, the worst is to have helped this woman make a film. After all the years you have worked on your writing and wanted to have a film produced, to do that with someone else, well, that's terrible.' Maybe it takes another artist to 'get' this, the idea of the person you love taking a lifetime dream and making it happen with another woman... That stabs to the core.

Then there's the other question: How do you do that to someone you love? Take their dream and share it with someone else? To my mind, the only answer to that one is, you don't. You don't love a person when all you can see is what you want; when you can't see how much they've given you, when you can't honor your commitment, when you away all that you promised. You don't love them, and I'm not sure you ever did. This is the cold hard reality that Electra doesn't want to face and Evangeline must. Evangeline means 'good news,' but to get to the good first I must face the bad. Looking at my most feared demon straight on is the hardest thing I've ever done. I suspect it may be the darkest road I'll ever walk. There may be a light at the end of it, but right now, it's so far away I can't see a glimmer.

As much as I don't want to, I have to hold to the truth that a person who truly knows how to love might put themselves at the top of the love list--as I hope Evangeline will learn to do this for herself--but they would never lie to protect themselves or anyone else. Lying isn't love. Lying to yourself or anyone else is not love. Betrayal isn't love. Breaking promises and commitments isn't love.

I want to believe that if I hold true to love--and I'm not saying I've always done this, because I haven't--but I'd like to believe that if I do, at the end of the day it will be worth it. That getting through the tough times together and coming out at the end with someone you've stood by through it all will be worth every single moment you felt you didn't love them. I was getting to that place, and it was wonderful. And now I have to let it go and find wonder in some new way. Electra doesn't think she can but Evangeline wants to believe she will.