Tossing It Up

I couldn't decide who should get this post--Electra or Evangeline... I finally decided to give the toss to Electra, because she still has things she wants to say, and I don't think it's a good idea to 'silence' anyone completely! I don't really think of Electra as a victim, but she certainly can get herself into a rut and stay there for a good amount of time. I'm not sure if I'm in a rut at the moment or not. This past weekend I felt sad--he had gone off to see the new grandson and the family, and they live near the place we spent part of our honeymoon, and also a beautiful restaurant where he'd promised to take me someday for a special dinner. Now that day will probably never come...I say probably because if I said 'never' then Byron Katie would say 'is that true?' and 'how can you know that's true?' So I'll say 'probably' even though I know 'never is more likely.

Then he comes back, and barely says a word to me--why should he...we're not 'connected' anymore--and then I'm working my butt off all week to get ready for Alumni Weekend. I'm giving up MY room because HE double-booked. He 'emails' wanting to know if I 'need' anything and I'm working and crying and 'hell yes' I need a lot but nothing he's willing to give. The truth of the matter is there are a million things he could/should be doing down here but heaven forbid he should take the initiative unless 'mother' requests it of him. And I'll be DAMNED if I am going to keep on being 'mother.' He can go put his new 'love' in that role and just stay the hell out of my life!

Yes, I am upset. Yes, I am disappointed. Yes, right now I hate him. Yes, I'd like to ruin his life. Yes, I am so very angry. I'm angry about a LOT of things. I'm angry that he dumped all this on me and then 'pretends' to be 'Mr. Nice Guy' who's always willing to help if he's asked. I'm angry that he still lives up the street. I'm angry that he can't be honest with me. I'm angry that he's not who I thought he was. I'm angry that I have to stay here and deal with this house on my own. I'm angry that I'm alone. I'm angry that I didn't get either of the tourism jobs I applied for. I'm angry that I have no social life. I'm angry that I have no one to have sex with. I'm angry that the future I wanted is gone. I could go on, but the bottom line is, I'm angry, angry, angry. I guess that's better than spending the whole day crying. Luckily anger is one thing I've never held on to. So maybe I can feel it then let it go. I hope so.

Anyway, I know all this anger isn't pretty, and I'm doing my best not to shower it on anyone, including him. I'm trying to learn to respond and no react. I'm trying so hard to be a better person, a healthier person, a person who can be responsible for herself and her own emotions. I'm really trying...but it's so very hard.

I dreamed about big turtles recently and yesterday I actually saw a turtle on my walk. I looked up the symbolism, and this is what I found out--they are 'slow and steady' and they represent protection. Maybe that's what my anger is doing right now, protecting me. Also, they stand for:

• Order
• Creation
• Patience
• Strength
• Stability
• Longevity
• Innocence
• Endurance

These are good things, and it's too bad the person I loved really doesn't have any of these qualities. But I do. I hope somehow they carry me through.